Kicking rocks

Today I feel like I’m kicking rocks.

For anyone wondering…

“Kicking rocks” is the redneck term for booting someone out of your life. You tell them to get packing, take a hike and start kicking rocks down the gravel road.

The sun is shining and spring is finally here. 

I wonder if there is ever going to come a day when HE isn’t the first thing I think of when I wake up.

I wonder if I am ever going to feel happy again.

I wonder if I’m ever going to heal from the pain of this abandonment.

I wonder if anyone will ever love me again and I wonder if I will go to my grave with this undeniable pain in my heart.

I wonder why I was not enough and I wonder if I could have saved him if I had done something different or better or sooner.

I wonder how he could walk away from me and not look backwards to see if I had collapsed or remained standing.

I wonder how you love someone so well for 15 years and then decide you don’t need or want them anymore.

I wonder how it was so easy to forget about me and to leave me behind, not caring if he ever saw me again or if I found someone to replace the love he took with him when he left.

I wonder when the pain in his heart got so great that everything except for quieting it ceased to matter.

I wonder if I’m ever going to wake up NOT loving him.

It hurts to love someone and watch them hurt themselves and replace your love with someone else’s. I wonder when I will no longer be tortured by the what if’s and the why’s.

Roger’s wife said a lot of hurtful things to me. She called me a homewrecker and ugly and immoral and stupid. She called me a whore and said I was nothing but a distraction from his real love…Her. She said I was a bad mother and an even worse wife. She called me despicable and dumb.

All of those insults bounced right off me, and she knew she had to keep going until she found the one thing that would hurt me. She found my weak spot in just a matter of days, like any large predatory mammal that is waiting to snare its next meal.

That bitch kept going until she got me where she knew it would haunt me for the rest of my life.

She blamed ME for his drug addiction.

She put the blame for the destruction of the man we both love squarely at MY feet.

It’s all ME that made him sick.

She exonerated herself and deemed herself blameless. She made it someone else’s fault…like she has ÀLWAYS done to avoid facing her own serious issues and being held accountable for her actions.

Now I wake up every day with her words ringing in my ears and this gaping hole where my heart used to fucking be and she wants to convince me that not only do I deserve what I’m feeling, I caused it.

What about you, you mean, selfish person? What about the torture YOU put him through with your insane ability to never be happy, grateful or satisfied?

What in the fuck is there to love about YOU?? You stomp your feet and scream and threaten and my God, you’re the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.

It’s obviously something I don’t know about or understand, because I can’t find one single redeeming quality about you.

And that’s where my lover has chosen to be. To stay. In her arms.

Yeah, the sun is shining out my window but there is nothing but darkness in my heart.

I used to be afraid of the dark, but nothing really scares me anymore. It’s as if all of my emotions are numb, deadened, with the exception of sadness. I forgot what hope feels like.

Helen Keller said “it is better to walk with a friend in the dark than to walk alone in the light.”

That explains my sadness.

I’m in constant darkness because I didn’t merely lose my greatest love.

He took my best friend with him.

 

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