Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.

I know my lover won’t leave his wife and the time has come for me to really and truly accept it. 

I need to accept it and accepting it will mean the end of hope and the end of my dreams, because every woman wants to be with the man she loves more than just a few hours a week.

I have accepted this, too, and I know that I am willingly participating in an affair to get what I need to cope with and survive a bad marriage.

I’m the same boat and yet I’m in a different boat than my lover is. I’m not all that invested in keeping my husband happy because he isn’t invested in keeping ME happy, and I’ve decided that my happiness MATTERS.

Neither is R’s wife. She’s not invested at all in keeping him happy but he is a martyr for her and always tries to “anticipate her needs” so he can be her superhero. And he says he does it because if he doesn’t, she will treat him poorly. Bullshit. He does it because he loves her and she treats him poorly most of the time irregardless.

I have often wondered if he would kill me to keep her from knowing. Would he watch me die at his hands to erase any trace of me or to make sure she never found out about me?

It would be so easy for him and nobody would know. I don’t tell anyone where I am going when I meet him secretly.

It’s hard not to imagine it happening when I see his actual FEAR of upsetting her. It makes me sick to see him try and fail repeatedly, and to hear him lament over and over how he’s to blame for her unhappiness.

He doesn’t seem to care or understand how it makes me feel to hear him suffer and bemoan the fact that she won’t return the love he SWEARS HE DOESN’T HAVE FOR HER.

Which is utter bullshit and he must think I’m fucking stupid and can’t or won’t see it.

His argument is that I do the same thing in reference to my spouse but I know that isn’t the truth. I know it isn’t the truth because I don’t CARE enough about my spouse to FEEL hurt or angry about his refusal to change or try. I simply don’t care enough to spend that much time on it.I don’t expect or want his attention therefore I don’t feel any sort of emotional connection to him. He doesn’t now and has not ever done for me half the things R does for his wife.

He used to tell me not to waste our time together fighting or arguing, but he wastes a lot of our time fighting and arguing with her and then needing comfort and stress relief from me.

I feel like he found that other woman because I’m too much work and he’s preparing for an easier affair, closer to home. He’s looking for a woman that can separate the two and he’s looking to find someone that can give him what I do in a shorter and easier and cheaper format.

Because I am hard to find time for and more expensive. Because he has outgrown his need for me and is ready to downsize his life.

This is how I feel.

Like I am an aging mansion and all along he was just maintaining me until he didn’t need such a big house anymore.

I  feel lost and alone. I have given him the best years of my life and to thank me he put his lips on another woman’s pussy, and he did it so he could KEEP the miserable bitch he really loves.

Maybe he agreed to stop seeing her not because he wanted to but because he could not bear to hurt my feelings knowing how much I loved him.

I’ve spent so much time coming to see him every week and I did it without ever putting my husband first. I worked around his schedule and I took any and all risks to see him and I don’t really matter.

Nobody knows about me.

Nobody.

He’s told nobody about me in thirteen years. Confided in nobody but one co-worker who has since died.

I don’t understand how I can be loved and still be regarded as someone having no worth or place or any kind of validation that I mean anything to him or to his quality of life.

Sure, he may love me

But he doesn’t want me anywhere near his real life or his family.

I have a purpose and when he retires with her and there is no time for me, I will be phased out or abruptly cut off one day out of nowhere and I won’t see it coming.

I have a minor child less than two years (18 months) away from 18, and after that, I have every intention of leaving this house and my husband.

Then, I won’t be anyone’s secret.

“Three things cannot long stay hidden: the sun, the moon and the truth.” –Buddha

I am the truth he hides from everyone.

Including himself.