My own personal Jesus.

I miss how he used to cherish me.

I know it doesn’t seem like he could have, in light of how he wasn’t satisfied with my love, but it always seemed like he genuinely did cherish me.

I know it’s wrong to miss it, because it is a privilege a lot of women never have.

But I do miss it so very much, just the same. It is selfish of me, I know, because some women are beaten and put down and manipulated every single day and they hurt so bad that they’ve resigned themselves to the fact that they don’t deserve better than that.

I have read all I can get my hands on about meth addiction. Once you start using and you use more than one time a month, your life span is 5-7 years. I’ve literally read that on every piece of literature I have picked up and I laid in bed this morning and wondered again for the millionth time “why” anyone would pick up a drug for which the DEA has coined the slogan “not even once” due to its rate of addiction.

You expel the corrosive chemicals it is made with through your skin as you sweat profusely, because your body’s core temperature overheats. The caustic chemicals literally burn when the sweat is released through the pores and that’s why meth users have sores. Then, they pick at them.

It takes less than a year to do irreversible damage to your heart, organs and teeth. You’ll mount and have sex with anyone. I guess that part he’s proven true.

Meth psychosis occurs in almost anyone if they deprive their brain of enough sleep or if they continue to use it for long enough to do brain damage, which by the way, occurs as early as 3 months after introduction. Brain damage resulting in permanent meth psychosis, like Vickie has, oh AND it also affects and causes permanent damage to the lobe of the brain that feels pleasure. Because meth makes your brain overproduce feel good hormones and they eventually burn the pathways out. Permanent cognitive brain damage. In every user. Let that sink in.

The worst part of all of it is that the huge dopamine release methamphetamine triggers in the brain makes it so that you are never able to feel the same amount of pleasure you did PRE meth addiction and some people are left with severe depression for life. Almost all users experience 9-18 months of withdrawal depression and nearly all of them will fail at recovery if there are not several rehabilitative services in place for their support. For at least one year.

Meth addiction lasts forever. It’s a terrible drug to kick.

You will always crave it.

By the time you realize you have a problem, it is usually too late. It takes 2 years on average to lose everything to meth usage…relationships, employment, your home, your money, respect, and your health, which declines rapidly. Once you lose a job, your usage spirals and that is usually the trigger to go from “just hanging on” to “hopeless” in no time flat.

Recovery statistics? You don’t even want to know. Families and significant others are every bit as devastated as the user.

It is literally a guaranteed death sentence and alarmingly hard to stop using unless you change everything and do extensive in patient rehab with a one to two year recovery plan after you’re released.

Oh, and the biggest trigger to cause relapse once you are not chemically dependent is being in an emotional relationship or living situation that brings you stress…

And he’s doing just that. He’s sabotaging any chance at recovery by continuing to be dependent on his vicious, ugly wife/mommy. The one he thinks he can’t do better than.

I know I made the right choice by disappearing after receiving what I believe to be an insincere text from my lover today.

He is still willing to gamble with me. He was more than willing to gamble with my love to get what he thought was a better opportunity at happiness. With a new lover, and now with the same OLD lover.

He’s been gambling with my love for 18 months. Honestly, after that long, it just boils down to callousness. And what’s up with his cryptic text messages full of inconsistencies, texts that elicit a response from the receiver that he never intended to follow up on? Why send texts you’re not gonna answer?

Nothing has changed. He’s gonna continue to fuck around and tell me he loves me while he continues to prove he really doesn’t.

And I’m still sucking hind titty behind everyone and everything else.

Maybe I’m just done nursing.

Maybe I’m just ready to be weaned. I’m starving and I have a better chance at a meal on my own rather than waiting for crumbs from him to nurture me.

My belly is rumbling but my lover doesn’t hear it. He’s too busy trying to hang on to his youth rather than let go of all his demons and celebrate the remainder of his life with someone that loves him.

I’ve also read a lot lately about serial cheaters and the research says that they do it because at their core, they feel unlovable.

What more could I have done to show him he was worthy of my love and that I loved him? I did what I thought was everything but it didn’t matter in the end because now I know, the problem lies with him and not because I am lacking anything. I am not blameless but I don’t deserve to be hurt by him and one or both of his vindictive lovers.

I knelt at his feet and washed them like he was fucking Jesus.

So where is my messiah now??

He’s laying with women whose words aim to wound his ego and whose claws tear at his flesh. Literally.

And the girl that groomed his feet sits alone with a gravely wounded heart, crying out to nobody with tired vocal chords that make no sound because they fall upon deaf ears anyways.

I don’t feel like your baby anymore. You hurt me enough times that I no longer feel worthy of being anyone’s baby. I just cry, and trust the wrong people that hurt me in ways you never did or would. And I miss who you used to be and I long for your return but you never come for me.

I DO feel like a survivor. I survived this loss. I survived what I thought would surely kill me.

But I was wrong. It didn’t.

I only wish it did.


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