Taste the 🌈

I wish I had a normal relationship with R.

But I need to accept things the way they are and it is foolish to think he may change his mind, because that would be an invitation for certain hurt.

It hurts in the here and now, because what has become natural to us as a couple is in reality, unnatural. It is natural for two people that love each to have a comfortable and easy rapport, especially after many years together, and we have that.

It is not natural to have to wait to talk to one another and it is not natural to communicate electronically and have to wait for resolution to problems or have to experience strong emotions or passion, but to be unable to talk it out.

These are few of the constraints in our relationship.

Sometimes fingers fly and the keypad is the enemy as the words get jumbled and taken out of context.

It’s difficult, and there are days I just long to be able to hug him and look at him and ask him a normal question and get a normal response, all while relishing in the joy of being face to face. Later on we could take a bath together and kiss, then dry off and wrap up in each other until morning comes around…in a perfect world.

Some days we ARE face to face for a few hours. But the questions from days earlier are lost in the excitement of being near each other and the questions that beg for normalcy go unanswered.  For those few hours, I forget the words and my brain is at peace, because he is there next to me.

When my lover found another affair partner in addition to me, I knew why he did it.

He had given up any hope he had of leaving his wife. He gave up on the thought of freedom, and the fear of change and loss made him search for an alternative to leaving his wife and that alternative was blossoming, until my discovery threw a monkey wrench into it. That alternative was another woman to have sex with and NOT an honest discussion with me about how we could change the situation between us and finally be together.

Him seeking another person made me have to face the truth and it confirmed definitively that we will always be stuck right where we are. Not that where we are is bad, it just isn’t ever going to be like a normal, loving relationship where you share complex things like a network of friends and family…or dinner in my home or his. It will always be seen as dirty and tarnished, our love for each other all these years will never be envied or respected or valued by others. It’s a shame and I wonder why we both stayed in bad marriages.

I’m still married, and I plan on initiating a divorce in 18 months, but I’d leave today if it meant having an extra 18 months to be with my lover in real life.

It will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I’ll do it, cuz my life is worth something too, and I deserve a little happiness for all the giving and sacrificing I’ve done for others. I deserve a few years of peace and the freedom to love who I want to and make independent decisions.

I think the ship has sailed when it comes to finding someone that treats me how R treats his wife. I also know in my heart that I will never find another love like I have with him. He is my greatest love.

I have always told him that, that I’m his greatest love and him, mine. Somehow I don’t think he understood the meaning behind my words.

I bought a pair of red boots to soothe my soul. They are like salve on a wound.

My last purchase was a sexy, curve hugging red dress. Something about heartache and anxiety and fear and victory ALL make me see red. A lot of feelings begin and end with the color red.

Red like fire. Bold and flashy. Like a force to be reckoned with. Like a sultry velvet curtain in a darkened theatre.

Like the deepest red rose, the one with the longest thorn. 

Like the fruit of a temptress.

Like Anger.

Like a beating heart.

Or one that lies bleeding.

Red is the color of a robust life and deep passionate desire.

I haven’t always loved the color red.

But when your life is black, you lose sight of color and how the different colors make you feel. When that happens, red is there to wake you up.

And lead you to the outer edge of the rainbow.