I have finally felt something I have not felt in a long time.
I did the same thing to my lover that he did to me. I wish I hadn’t. It could easily be the biggest mistake of my life.
When he did it, I ripped him to shreds. I was so angry that I saw only red, and I called him so many horrible names. He felt like a stranger to me and it was one of the loneliest, worst, anxiety filled weeks of my life.
When I would apologize, he would say “I deserve it”
But he didn’t. I know now it was self serving and damaging and hurtful for me to allow him to think he DID deserve it. He took every verbal blow without flinching and I hope I’m half the person he is cuz I don’t know if I can take my lumps as well as he did.
You don’t really get a lot of choices as the offender. We are taught as children that when you know you did something wrong, you humbly take the verbal admonishment and feel remorseful as penance for your crime. Somehow it makes you feel better if your victim hurts you back.
Eventually, the hurt partner knows when enough is enough, and they recognize their own behavior as cruel.
I’m facing a lot of emotional things in my life and it feels like my lover’s disdainful comments made a tremendous chink in the armor I’m keeping up around myself to keep from falling apart.
I feel sick for my choices. He said it didn’t hurt him but of course it hurt him and I didn’t really do it with malice, I did it with grief. Now I have wounded the one person that has always loved me and called me his baby. The one and only man that has paved the path I walk on with gold and riches.
He’s never going to treat me the same. He’s already said things to me that he never would have before, like maybe I have an STD in my asshole or I’m carrying a brown eyed baby with blonde hair, which are the opposite of his features. He mocked my excuses for not using protection and his condescending tone pretty much told me what he was thinking.
His voice has never sounded like that until today and he’s never been mean to me before.
Now I feel tainted and not worth his love and affection, like I am less than clean for letting someone use my body for sex. Like I have a disease, or a bastard kid growing in me. Now he is going to hurt me where he knows my demons lie…in my body image.
He quickly tried to smooth over his words after I expressed shock, probably because he heard the fucking hurt in my voice and the loud crash of my magic mirror breaking, cuz the one person I allowed to see my flaws is now calling me flawed and with disgust in his voice. I heard disgust.
I don’t even know what I feel anymore cuz I just kinda feel fucked. Numb. Like I’ve destroyed the one that gives me life and he threw the key to my sexuality over the bridge and into the river.
Now I really wonder if you CAN drown in your misery or die of shame.
I know one thing. I should have never retaliated. I always try to do the right thing by the people I love.
Yup. I shoulda taken the high road.
But at the time, my heart was on fire.
And I didn’t have the strength to make the climb.