The kiss of life

I learned a lot about love this past year. 

 

That’s the thing, I thought I knew what love was, but it had been so long since anyone really loved me that I had forgotten how it felt to be important to another person.

 

When Roger said I would never find someone to treat me as well as he did, I believed him. But like a lot of other shit he told me, that was a lie. 

 

When my lover Jon found me, I was broken and hurt and I didn’t trust anyone. I was scared to death of intimacy and just plain scared to death. 

 

He changed all of that and the herculean effort he put forth doing so is something I never thought myself deserving of in the past. 

 

I don’t have to ask or wonder if this man loves me.  It’s in his actions. I am never cold, hungry, or scared. I am never alone or worried or doubtful. I am never left to wonder about anything and I am reminded every day of my beauty and my worth and my strength. I am praised for any emotional progress I make in trusting him. I am loved unconditionally for the first time in my life.

 

He has provided me a safe arena where I am not expected to perform in order to receive his love and affection. When I say I don’t want to do something, I am immediately reassured that I do not have to do anything to gain my lover’s favor.

 

Instead of wanting to share me with someone else or put me on display, he protects and shelters me. 

 

When I struggle with past trauma, he is patiently there with arms wide open, whispering in my ear that it is not my fault someone didn’t love me properly and that he will never betray me. He patiently repairs the foundation that Roger tore out from underneath me day by day, and he does it without me having to ask. He does it because he wants to be my hero.

 

And he is.

 

110 percent.

 

For a lot of the years I was with Roger, I struggled with body image issues and it used to upset him that I couldn’t let go of my insecurities. It upset him because he had never criticized me or made me feel unattractive in any way. In fact, he told me all the time that I was beautiful but I, too, struggled with why I couldn’t let my guard down because there was nothing I wanted more. Now I know what was holding me back.  

 

In my heart, I always knew Roger had other lovers besides me. And in my head, I was always comparing myself to these other beautiful unknown entities. He may have liked me best at one time, but I was never the ONLY one. There was always a silent, humiliating, internal competition raging in my mind when I was naked with him.

 

To compensate for this disparity, I used female Domination. We both just happened to like the dynamic, but my lover got complacent and lazy and he didn’t do much of anything but direct the script and receive. Whole entire evenings were devoted to his sexual wants and rituals and I dutifully performed them like a trained monkey.

 

Jon spent a month just kissing me and holding me before he even began exploring my body. The first time he made love to me, I cried, for I had never seen such love in a man’s eyes while he was on top of me. It had been at least 10 years since a man had actually BEEN on top of me, with his penis inside me and his body pressing down on mine. It had been ten years or more since I had been on my back with my legs pushed up behind my ears receiving a straight up banging from a raging horny man.

 

I have learned that a man who loves you will buy you 4 new tires at the first sign of a flat and follow you to the gas station, winter or spring or summer or fall, just so you never have to pump your own gas.

 

I learned that a man who loves you won’t continue to bang you in a hotel for years on end, but instead will give you your own space to share with him or alone, and your own bed to make love in. 

 

A man who loves you makes sure you have 20 bucks in your pocket and sends you off with a hot cup of coffee and a kiss that spares no passion. You don’t drive away from a man that loves you knowing you’re on your own if something should happen to render you in need of assistance. A man who loves you won’t forsake you for a wife that won’t even fuck him or make you wonder how you’re gonna get home. 

 

A man who loves you is your lover and your daddy and your helpmate and your protector and most importantly he is where you run to for comfort.

 

A man who loves you wants what is best for you and wants you to feel secure so badly that when he has to leave you to go to work, he sends picture updates and calls every few hours. And he does this despite your protests that he doesn’t have to. He’s where he is supposed to be, where he said he was going to be, every second of every day. 

 

You never find yourself waiting around for hours or maybe even days for a man that loves you to put his other lover or wife aside for a minute or two to call you. Instead, you are connected by a lifeline to the other half of yourself every second you are apart.  The man who loves you is only a phone call away, and you can call whenever you want to, night or day. 

 

The man who loves you throws all Roger’s stupid rules and conditions out the fucking window. 

 

When Roger found the woman he loved enough to do all those things for, he went all in. And he couldn’t ditch me fast enough. 

 

I thought that was going to kill me.

 

But instead, it gave me life.