Tunnel vision


Because my lover calls me his baby, I sometimes act like one.

I almost attacked him tonight for chiding me, for jokingly saying that maybe my insecurity would get in the way of going to a sex club this weekend.

As I edged towards defensiveness, he shut me down, by informing me that those were MY words and not his. He repeated it again, emphasizing that those were the words I recently used to describe how I felt about MYSELF.

I wasn’t angry. But I think I DID take almost immediate offense. After analyzing that for a bit, I’ve concluded that I felt offended because it is indeed true, and something I’ve been struggling with for the past few months. 

I’m embarrassed I even mentioned my insecurity…it shows weakness and weakness makes me feel ugly. But I’m not ugly. It is true I weigh more than I should, but I have a face that a man would fall in love with. I have golden brown, expressive eyes that captivate and a personality that rivals the exotic fabled muse.

I have long, tousled, unruly hair like a mermaid, the siren of the sea, with cascading tresses and a sweet lilting song behind full red lips. That’s how I would fantastically describe myself. 

I haven’t really ever struggled with self esteem issues. It feels strange and foreign and uncomfortable. It doesn’t feel like what I’m used to and I DON’T LIKE IT.

I LOVE feeling sexy and wild. I love making a man smile and laugh and open himself up to me…moving closer and leaning in with a gleam in his eye, a sparkle that I can turn LUSTFUL given five minutes alone with him.

If my lover says those were my own words, I believe him. If they fell from MY mouth that means they were born in MY brain. So, I have to acknowledge that my ego is indeed wounded.

You bet your fucking ass it is.

And why wouldn’t it be?

Show me a woman who can suck it up and keep it inside like I have the past few months, two months after a horrible betrayal that snatched my breath from my throat and spit in my face. 

I’ve been every bit as loving and good and all along it’s been eating at me that he went to someone else.

And here’s why.

After all these years together, there has been one or two things that have remained constant. The one thing that stands out above everything else is the statement my lover has ALWAYS maintained and reassured me with. 

Whenever I worried about the distance between us, or about how little we were able to physically see each other, he would always say the same thing…

“You are quality and I’ll take that over quantity any day. You’re worth it.”

Oh my God…who doesn’t want to hear that from their lover’s mouth? That’s a gift in itself and I’ve always known it.

I suspect this isn’t the first time he has had two lovers at once. I mean, I KNOW it isn’t. That means at some point in the last ten years, I ceased to be of high enough quality to be worth it. 

How could anyone’s self esteem not be hurt by that? I ask you.

I wonder if I’m too old, too ugly, too fat, too bitchy, too far away, too dumb, too much hassle, too much money, or  too much work. I close my eyes and I know she’s prettier and softer and sexier than me and my fucking heart breaks because I didn’t deserve it, but I understand it, because in my mind I am forever more flawed than her. 

Now she’s worth it, too.

My response to this is a desire to impose self destructive behavior. I wanna go fucking nuts.

I’m not talking about taking an overdose or cutting my skin. I’m not talking about throwing myself at a man, crying and begging and asking to be critiqued so I can change what’s wrong with me.

I’m talking about risky, impulsive, degrading things. I’m talking about trying to find my worth behind every good looking guy with a dick that I can lure my way.

And I CAN lure them my way. I am absolutely certain of my sexuality and I know how to dress sexy without accentuating my flaws . I can move my body very erotically and can dance my way right into a man’s jeans. I can drink a lot of whiskey and stay upright while losing every inhibition and I can be the most sensual, beautiful whore you’ve ever had the pleasure of finger banging.

If you’re chosen, I’ll let you put your dick in me and that rarely happens so it’s not like a three lane freeway in there. I know my body. I have what Donny called a “tight little well preserved pussy” and I don’t waste it on just anyone because I consider it just about the best piece of ass a man can get. You keep your car nice by not driving it a lot. Same analogy.

I love it if you jam it up my ass then spank me till my full cheeks are a hot bright red and don’t forget to pull my hair and flick my clit. Put your fingers inside me until I piss all over you. 

Extra points if I can get my short legs around you. You just won the bonus round cuz I love the penny pony and I got a pocketful of copper to spend.

I’ll suck your dick so hard you’ll accidentally come without warning. Just happened a few months ago, so that’s proof I still got it. I can deepthroat a garden hose and I have little to NO gag reflex. Try me. Bet you can’t last two full minutes.

I don’t require dinner out or a movie. I’m ready to go anytime, night or day. My sex drive is insane. I’ll lead. I’ll push your boundaries and if you desire, I’ll fuck YOUR brains out and flip you around just in time to swallow every last drop of jizz you’ve got to give me. 

I don’t have insecurity issues with strangers in a club and I don’t feel insecure about my lover wanting strangers in a club. 

I feel insecure when the person I love and trust enough to do literally everything in the book sexually turns his attention to someone else. After I bared my soul like he begged me to, it lost its value because it was something he conquered. He no longer needed to prove his own prowess..that’s not true but it feels like it is in my wounded fucking heart. 

And as long as I don’t throw it in his face or punish him with it emotionally, I am allowed to feel it and to heal from it and to stumble while doing so. 

 The anger from the early days is gone and in its place is embarrassment and a sickening feeling of inferiority. I stand naked and fearful and under a spotlight but you want me to leave my pain buried under a mountain of dirt and never dig it up.You’re not a monster and you didn’t mean to hurt me…YOU were hurting and I wasn’t there, because of all the reasons you told me I never had to fear.

I just want to hold you and you to hold me. I just want to feel your mouth on mine and your skin under my fingertips. I just want you to love me with unrivaled fervor.

Part of me is laughing inside, wondering if you’re playing me like a puppet and my fiery response is what you hoped for. My competitive nature is sparked with your humble insinuation that I’m common enough to be insecure.

I am confident enough to believe I can have almost any man I set my sights on. 

You’re one LUCKY bastard that I’m staring straight at you, baby.

And that all the rest are out of my line of vision.


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