Lesson 5: Reframing Your Narrative: Getting to know your Inner Antagonist

-pointing fingers perpetuates conflict. See outside of blame.

-You can’t change your antagonist, only your reactions

-What if I’m really the antagonist of my own narrative if I get in my own way

-If parts of us weren’t triggered, we wouldn’t be struggling

-Our antagonist evokes parts of us that need attention

Identifying Less Developed and Mental Muscles

-your antagonist may point out weakened areas or criticize

-We don’t want to acknowledge our own vulnerabilities

-we make up stories bout what our weaknesses mean – “I’m fat, therefore not worthy, therefore, shouldn’t get the job or the boyfriend”

-Recognize your underdeveloped muscles

Writing Exercise

Think of underdeveloped muscles as parts of yourself to be loved.

Step 1: Fill in the blank:
When the antagonist does whatever he/she does (for example, criticizes, overburdens, overwhelms, aggravates, etc) that challenges or upsets me, I become aware of the part(s) of me that ___________________.

Make a list of the parts or parts that get triggered. You may have one or more than one, and that’s not only OK, it’s perfectly normal. Here are some examples:

The part that gets defensive: Parenting. Money. Habits. Cleanliness. Focus. Doing the things that I feel like he does all the time (talk to another person/ lover).
the part that feels guilty: Parenting. Money. Kids being loud. Dog being ill-behaved. I am out of money. When I want space.
the part that feels incompetent: Parenting. Cleaning. Sexuality.
the part that gets angry: When I mirror his behavior and he gets angry at me.
the part that feels worthless: I don’t really get triggered here with Drew.
the part that feels invisible: I don’t really get triggered here with Drew.
the part that gets scared: When Drew is angry. When Drew judges me. When Drew doesn’t understand me or thinks I am wrong.
the part that feels abandonment: When I am told: “that’s a you thing”.
the part that feels wronged: When I mirror his behavior and he is aghast.

Step 2:
Sense into which part feels the most intense when you interact with your antagonist. Use that part as the basis for the remainder of this exercise. If there is another part that is a close second or third, take turns doing this exercise with each of the parts until you feel satisfied.

The part of me that is most intense in times of conflict with Drew are my feelings of defensiveness, incompetence and guilt/ shame.

Step 3:
Return to the 3^rd person narrative and reflect on the following questions. Feel free to respond to each question one at a time or, if you’re feeling more adventurous, write a narrative about the history of your vulnerability using the questions as guidelines.

What is the history of this part? How has it shown up in the protagonist’s past?
1. In my history, why do I get so defensive? My parents never challenged me to this extent. Not that they never gave me boundaries or hard nos, but I’ve never experienced being challenged. I feel threatened like I am being told I’m wrong, but I know I’m not but feel panicked like I have to prove it. I feel like I will be unlovable if I am wrong. Or unsafe. But I don’t know where this comes from. Who challenged me growing up: teachers. That’s kind of all I can remember right now.
How has it gotten in the way of the protagonist’s best self?
1. I shut down. And don’t listen to what is being posed as an alternative. I want to do the opposite of whatever is being suggested. Like – run in the opposite direction of what is being suggested.
What circumstances may have shaped the creation of this part – for example, an overbearing or critical parent or perhaps a childhood illness that prevented him or her from engaging in the same activities as other children?
1. My mom was often, but not overly, critical of other people/ families. She was oddly specific with her criticism but didn’t give a shit about how she lived her own life. I never, ever practiced challenging conversations. I was passive and often people-pleasing. I craved acceptance (that goes back to elementary school and wanting to be “popular”). With Zach, I was either silent or explosive. So it wasn’t a give and take, it was just BOOM to shut him down.
What is the meaning the protagonist makes about having this part? For example, does he assume that having a self-doubting part makes him unlovable? What might be an alternate, positive interpretation?
1. I feel that being quickly defensive makes me hard to talk to and hard to love. I get quickly defensive because I’m afraid that being a bad mom would be worth leaving, unlovable, shameful, disgusting, selfish. And I am afraid to look incompetent or stupid because I always felt like Zach thought I was dumber than he was.
Has a character like the primary antagonist this ever appeared in the protagonist’s story before? Who or what does the antagonist remind the protagonist of? Explain.
1. Never. I have never experienced someone who interacts with me like Drew. He reminds me of my dad. He remind me of my mom. He reminds me of Zach. But all in different ways.
If an antagonist like this has appeared in the story before, as another person or situation, how did the protagonist respond to the challenge presented? In what ways was this response effective (using strengths) and in which ways was it ineffective (revealing vulnerabilities)?
1. If I was challenged before, I tended to retreat, shut down, or explode. It is effective in that it never really challenged my core values, therefore my worth. It reveals my vulnerabilities in that it pulls the curtains open for my deep fears of “bad mom,” “not responsible in my home,” “irresponsible with money.”
How might the protagonist respond differently to the current situation?
1. Not immediately let it threaten my competency or mother. Allow me to see where the other person/ Drew is coming from from an open-minded place. See where his wounds are coming up or what wrinkle he is feeling or sees that we can iron out together.