1. What are my ego’s fearful beliefs about my body?
My body is only truly lovable when it is thin. Thinner. But not too thin, that’s bony. My toes shouldn’t be hairy, my legs should be smooth without bug bite scars, my butt should not have hemorrhoids or bleed or have leftover toilet paper or worse, my vagina should not smell too bad or have too much discharge and be tight enough, my butt should be grabbable and slapable, my belly should be soft, but not have lots of rolls or too many rolls, my breasts should be larger and perkier, my arms should be thinner and smaller, my neck should not stoop, my face should be smoother without blemishes, my hair should not show that it is graying.
2. How are my negative thoughts affecting my energy?
It’s so subtle. It sneaks in. I’m borderline unaware when those thoughts come up. When I put makeup on so my face appears smoother and even. When I change out of my dress because of the way my belly pooches out. When I don’t want attention out and about because I don’t feel pretty. Or when someone cute or kind is talking to me and I wish I’d put makeup or dressed my body differently. When I am wearing comfy pants and no bra and although I like myself, I feel unattractive. It’s a subtlety. It a side thought.
3. How has my ego made me think my body is special (better than others/ separate)?
When I have the thought about how much weight I’ve lost since having two kids and there are women out there who haven’t even had kids who want my body. When I see myself/ my face compared to someone’s who has a lot of acne or breakouts or distractable issues. When I am proud that my body was able to get pregnant with little issue. Mostly weight, though. When I am grateful that I’m not that person or don’t have to work with that body size.
4. How has my ego convinced me to see other bodies as more special?
Watching the Fifth Element the other day, I thought several times about how perfect the main actress’s body was. How she must be what is desirable, what is wanted. And that for most men, anything else is a compromise. I have a deep lesson that size 4 is most desired.
5. How have my fears from the past created negative body behaviors? In what ways have your ego body perceptions from the past negatively affected your behavior?
If fat is unlovable, then I must be thinner to be loved. I have abandonment issues, so I must maintain a certain appearance to keep my partner around. My dad was often in his own world, in his own head, but looking nice always got us a compliment and looking lazy got us a snide remark. He would buy acne products and not say anything, but put them on the bathroom counter. He made weight comments. He criticized how my mom always wore his clothes and never dressed up and had essentially “given up.” These all exist for me. He always stood a little taller when other people would tell him he had such pretty girls, whereas my mom didn’t give a shit.