Miracles 29: I am not my lack mentality

What are my financial fears and where did they come from?  

-Growing up, it seemed like my mother never quite had enough.  Or at least verbally confirmed that she didn’t have enough all the time.  She’d always comment that she could go to the store on Friday because that’s when she got paid.  She would get frustrated and say no to things often because she didn’t have enough money.

-My dad, on the other hand, would purchase freely.  Especially his self-gifts, like TVs, new vacuums.  He bought us gifts too – TVs, jewelry, random things.  Dad had no control over his money.  He lived off of credit cards.

-I had competing narratives to internalize and wade through growing up.  Mom believing there was never enough.  Dad believing he could just always get what he wanted.

-There was so much guilt around the money too.  Mom’s guilt was that there wasn’t enough or that she couldn’t or had to choose to not get us something because it hadn’t been payday yet.  She felt guilty about living paycheck to paycheck.   My dad’s guilt was underlying.  That he felt that we felt he didn’t need to get the new vacuum but he wanted to override the guilt and would overly convince us why it was good/ important/ necessary.

-They didn’t work together with the money.  Ever.  I know that they had three checking accounts.  One was mom’s, one was dad’s, and one was supposed to be shared for bills.  But dad used his whole paycheck to pay his credit cards and mom paid the bills.

-Mom would and still comments on how she’s terrible at money.  Not to be trusted with it.  Not to be trusted for advice.

-My financial fears is that there isn’t enough (but there’s always enough).  How can I, single-handedly, pay all of the bills?  And get groceries?

-I fear my debt.  I avoid looking at it because there’s so much and it never seems to change.

-I fear using my credit card to get by forever.

-My debt keeps me from acquiring wealth.  I blamed my parents forever for the debt, and up to a point, there is truth in it.  But not for a long time.  That’s been me and my pattern.

-I am guilty about my money.  I don’t feel secure enough to deny certain activities with friends (eating out, shopping, traveling), because I feel a need to participate/ fit in.

-I also fear my impulsivity.  Especially when I have my credit card with me.  “It’s ok, whatever I go over, I’ll just charge it.”

-I fear that, no matter how much I make, I’ll never manage it or control it cleanly enough that I can prioritize getting out of debt.

-I fear that I won’t be able to buy groceries if I need to.

-I fear that my kids will feel “poor” by growing up in the apartment and all of us sharing a bedroom.

-I fear being white trash or poor or having tendencies of being white trash or poor.  I think this one came from my social circle in high school, as they were very much into appearances and judged harshly anyone who seems to struggling in appearance (specifically looking poor or unfashionable).

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