Processing

I called and apologized.  I felt like I had reacted strongly when he had been really really vulnerable.  I had gotten to be really unkind and impatient and short and rude.  And I felt bad about it.  I didn’t want to traumatize him or deter him from opening himself up again in such a kind and gentle way.

And he responded.  Via text, which was what I had requested.  He said:

I get why you reacted like that, I thought you did really well. It was hard for me to be honest and vocal with you and let myself be frustrated and angry and vulnerable, for fear of hurting your feelings, but I trusted you to be able to handle it. And you did.

All of it was good for me.

But, what I realize now, was that I wanted him to apologize too.  And not even apologize as much as acknowledging my experience in it too.  I did not feel seen.  I felt glossed over.

But then I called him out on knocking the picture frame off the wall.  Expecting and hoping he’d apologize for that.  He didn’t.

Later I said (my current thoughts in red):

Hey. You did hurt my feelings last night. I should have said my feelings were hurt.  This read as blame.  I’m not really confident about what to say right now because I’m also recognizing that you haven’t apologized to me too. He’s not required to.  I wanted to be validated; I didn’t need an apology as much as to be seen.  To feel empathy and connection to the experience.  And I don’t even need that from him, but expected it, which is also unfair.  I was projecting what empathy means to me.  And I feel stress around the thought of you needing space to be angry just meaning you need space to be mean. This is a fear that has existed, but this came out wrong.  I don’t really think he wants to be mean or needs space to get his mean out.  He’s not a mean person.  Moreso, he will feel free to be nasty and unkind.  Which, is also ok, truly.  With the recognition of it later.  And not even to apologize, but to say what was the truth and what was fire.  

He countered and said I was not owning my side of things.  I was blaming him for my insecurities.  And I asked him if he felt sorry at all (which was stupid – juvenile, I regret).  

I said I felt a massive disconnect in what it means for him to get mad.  He said it sounds like I don’t like hearing it.  

Then he shuts down.

He says this is not his responsibility.  He’s over this right now.  I need to figure out whatever I need to figure out in my life.  

I say I don’t understand him here.  He says no you don’t.  

I say free to be angry does not mean free to be a dick.  Even if you go there, you can apologize.  He says his body had emotional reactions.  

He says he’s not a dick (I don’t think he’s a dick).  He’s not sorry.  He handled everything well.  

I say this is a problem with me.  What I mean is – I’m scared about how this type of interaction is an impression on my kids.  I want them to grow up and recognize when their actions have been hurtful.  If they’re not sorry – that’s ok.  But see it.  

He says stop.  He does not consent.  I say fine (I am shutting down now too).  

He says figure out my side.  Stop blaming him for my emotions.  He says he does not feel safe.  

I say can I counter or are you out?  He says my anger is not safe.  Go away.  No.  This is really big.  I say I agree.  

He says:

You’re handling all of it terribly. I expect so much better of you. I thought you learned how to communicate this stuff and you’re really letting me down.

Why don’t you go check out the holistic psychologist and learn how not to communicate

So so so so so so so let down

I say – because I expected an apology?

He says because of that and because I blamed him for my emotions.

He says:

And a clearly didn’t listen to my words. And clearly, have no space for me to be actually emotionally vulnerable.

He says STOP.  YOU’RE MAKING IT WORSE.  Just go the fuck away already.  No.  Stop.

I say hey (trying to recenter; bring back some calm).  He says stop.

I say:

Ok. I’m gone. I’m gone I’m gone I’m gone.

He says he’s blocking me.  I say alright.

AND HE BLOCKS ME.  FOR DAYS!  MY PHONE NUMBER.  My facebook messages.  I couldn’t even explain.  I couldn’t expand.  I couldn’t communicate!  I feel unheard.  I feel like I wasn’t clear.  I botched my communication but I couldn’t expand!!!  I fucked up.  I got flustered.  I got cornered!  I couldn’t tell him why I was thinking or feeling what I was and then I got shoved into a timeout with the door locked.  I felt like I was locked out my own house.

And he opened things up last night by saying goodnight.  GOODNIGHT.  Goodnight my ass, you fuckface, you’re going to open with goodnight!

I immediately asked him why he blocked me.  And he said if I didn’t know then we needed more time.

Omg this is a joke.