If you can’t say something nice

I am not a nice person.

This is the thought that came into my head while I am on the train. No clue where it came from, but that’s what popped into my head

If I said half the things that I thought to say in my head, I am sure I would be fired, ostracized by my friends and community, or worse

I just can’t deal with people lately. So much stupid happening around me, people are so self absorbed, have no common sense, just so much stupid and unkind behavior.  As a practicing Buddhist, you’d think I have the tools to combat these feelings, this low threshold.  And you’d be right…I am great at giving out Dr. Phil and Oprah platitudes, but taking my own advice seems a little tough these days

My roommate, while normally is one of those self-absorbed people, asked me the one question that I am still struggling with:  what’s happened in life recently to cause you to not be so tolerant and patient?

I honestly don’t know the answer to that.  We talked further as we got settled for the evening.  It was probably a combination of many things, like my car situation, my parents, the idiots that I encounter online in dating apps, not doing yoga anymore, not meditating regularly

But I also think it goes a lot deeper, and I am trying to put my finger on it

So let’s unpack all of this stuff

My car…yes, I was really rattled by all that transpired with my car. However, no one got hurt, I was able to get to the hospital in time for my mother’s release.  And it’s not like I don’t have a way to get to work while I wait for the car to get fixed.  And the biggest gift of all of that, is that my warranty is going to get me squared away.

Still, there’s that little kernel of ‘why me’ in there. Like what the actual f*ck universe, what is up with you and me and cars?

My parents…this one…there’s not enough online paper in the universe for me to unpack all of that. Suffice it to say, I came to the realization recently with my most recent visit to my parents, that if they had raised me up instead of squashing me down as I was growing up, I feel like I would be so much different.  I doubt I would have joined the Marines, had a baby so young, heck, been a juvenile delinquent.  I think all of these years later my mother still thinks I am that person, that smoking, drug taking, shoplifting good for nothing.  Regardless that I always show up for them, send them money every month, and take care of them when they are recovering from various surgeries.  I just need to come to some sort of peace with it all, that no matter what my brother does, they will defer to him and I will just have to know that they appreciate what I do for them, in their own, not verbally affirming way

Dating…this one is my own fault too.  I hate the way I look, and you know what they say…if you don’t love yourself, how the hell can you love someone else? (Can I get an ‘amen’ up in herrrrrr?).

Yoga…I went away for 5 flipping days, did kundalini for 9 hours a day, you’d think I would come back and be all up in it.  Nope, it was way too hot to deal with doing yoga and then my knee was all flared up.  Excuses yup I know.  For some reason, I talk myself out of doing things, even though I know it’s the best thing for me

Meditation…I used to go to my group sit every Thursday, I rode my bike from Stanford, sometimes just took the train and then rode home.  Man, those 12 miles at night were some of my best moments.  It’s like my morning rides now.  It’s so peaceful and serene and it doesn’t hurt that I was all blissed out from meditation too.  Now that I don’t have a car for a minute, it’s tough to get over to the meditation sit…although I don’t think I should let that stop me.  I think I am going to do that again, and ride home.  Won’t be that far since I live closer to the meditation place….yeah (epiphanies happen while you journal people!)

So yes, I might have a low threshold for stupid, but now I feel like riding my bike will be a good release valve for me.  That is until someone does something stupid in their car, but that’s a whole other story.