outlet for my thoughts
It’s rare that i feel clarity, my mind is always in some form of extreme emotion, as if I’m in constant fight or flight, I always feel intense anger within a split second, overwhelming sadness, stress and anxiety or just some form of extreme emotion. But right now, for the first time in years I feel quiet, like my mind is at peace. I am looking at all my bad behaviors clearly and finding reasoning to them, I recently moved back into my mom’s house, literally two days ago, after having to move out for a year due to being kicked out and not feeling comfortable coming back. I’m worried that this quiet is the result of me finally feeling comfortable and that worries me, being comfortable is the opposite of what i want. I have been kicked out twice I would be a fool to find a quiet comfort in an unstable environment. I haven’t had anyone to talk to lately, I recently came out as gay to my sister, she took the gay part well but she later told me she can’t trust me because i lied and i have kept up the lie for 5 years. She also said I’m selfish for deciding not to tell anyone in fear of their reaction rather than giving them the chance to react for themselves. I just don’t want change. I live to very separate like on one hand i am the fun party openly queer love queer love, life, culture and on the other hand I love my family. It’s not like I hide all of myself just this one part, it feels ridiculous honestly, I know they won’t abandon me or feed me to the wolves (metaphorically speaking) but I don’t want them to see me different, I’ve been loud about rejecting marriage and having kids that’s not the issue, I just don’t want them to see me as the same thing they love to mock. They aren’t overly homophobic, but they just don’t understand.
I doubt anyone will read this, I found this site like 20 minutes ago. I just need a place to vent and rant. I will continue to post some more it feels good to get things off my chest and not have to keep everything in
Ha, you are so wrong! I read it from beginning to end. Please break up your writing into smaller paragraphs so I can follow more easily – I have old eyes, one of which just came through major surgery.
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