NOCTURNAL NONSENCE NEVER PAYS – 10/23/2000

I WAS SO TIRED OF BEING THE #2 CHILD. MY OLDER SISTER WAS THE PERFECT ONE. SHE COULD DO NO WRONG, SHE WAS THE PET, THE QUEEN, THE ONLY ONE WHO WOULD AMOUNT TO ANYTHING, AND SHE HAD AN ERIE POWER.

I SPENT MY DAYS TRYING TO PLOT AGAINST HER, TO END HER REIGN SUPREME, TO SHOW THE PARENTAL UNITS THE FALLIBILITY OF THEIR SECOND COMING, BUT NO MATTER WHAT I TRIED SHE WOULD UNDO ME! PLAN AFTER PLAN FOILED, BECAUSE SOMEHOW SHE WOULD KNOW, SOME..HOW.

THEN ONE DAY I HATCHED THE PERFECT PLAN. THE ONE THAT WOULD FINALLY UNMASK THIS SHARLATIN, AND BREAK THE OPPRESSIVE BONDS OF BEING SECOND IN LINE! THE KINGDOM WOULD FALL!

I LABORED HALF THE NIGHT, MY WORK BEING MASKED BY THE SOUNDS OF THE TELEVISION FROM THE LOWER LEVELS OF THE HOUSE, AS THE PARENTAL UNITS ENTERTAINED THEMSELVES WITH CATHODE RAYS!

FINALLY MY WATER SNARE WAS DONE! WHEN SHE WOKE SHE WOULD BE BATHED IN ICE WATER FROM HEAD TO TOE, AND HER

MAJESTY WOULD NO LONGER REIGN SUPREME!

Now keep in mind, to boys, revenge is simply the cure to anything. if Lora were to appear in front of the parents soaking wet and crying, they would yell at her for being wet, not at the one responsible for the soaking.

MORNING CAME, AND I FOUND MYSELF IN A REAL PICKLE. SHE HAD SOMEHOW DISCOVERED MY TRAP, AND SET IT AGAINST ME, IN THE MOST DEVASTATING OF WAY. MY RIGHT HAND HAD BEEN SOAKING IN THE WATER ALL NIGHT, AND I’M CERTAIN WE CAN ALL GUESS WHAT HAD HAPPENED IN THE NIGHT.

Incontinence….

HOW I LOATHED HER FOR THAT! SHE HAD TO BE DETHRONED NOW! SHE MUST PAY FOR HER SINS! I RAN TO THE PARENTAL UNITS, I SPILLED THE BEANS ABOUT MY BLACK DEED, AND HOW IT WAS FOILED BY THAT SINISTER HARPY! AND WHEN MY CASE HAD BEEN PLEAD, I REALIZED JUST HOW STUPID IT WAS TO LET MY EMOTIONS OVER RULE, COMMON SENSE.

(parents don’t want their children to plot against each other. parents don’t want to hear the confessions of the guilty party. parents don’t understand the importance of vengeful fair play. Parents want silence. to achieve this goal, murder is the only viable option.)

LATER IN THE DAY I HEARD MY FATHER IN THE UPPER LEVELS OF THE HOUSE, AND STARTED TO FORM A THOUGHT. IF I CAN HEAR HIM, THEN THEY MUST HAVE BEEN ABLE TO HEAR ME!

I RAN TO WHERE MY FATHER WAS WORKING, AND ASKED HIM IF MY THEORY WAS CORRECT.

“YES” HE SAID.

THE LIGHT GREW BRIGHTER IN MY MIND.

“LORA DIDN’T DETECT MY TRAPS DID SHE?

“NO,” WAS THE ANSWER.

JUST LIKE SHERLOCK HOLMES I WAS ABLE TO PIECE IT ALL TOGETHER. HE HAD HEARD ME LABORING IN THE NIGHT AND WAITED FOR ME TO FINISH. WHEN I WAS SLEEPING HE THEN CREPT INTO MY ROOM, WITH THE INTENT OF TURNING MY OWN VICIOUS PLOT AGAINST ME. AND SO THE MYSTERY WAS SOLVED!

“NOTHING GETS PAST YOU DOES IT TINY?” WAS ALL HE HAD TO SAY.

REACHING OUT WITH ONE HAND MY FATHER SLAPPED THE RIGHT HEMISPHERE OF MY BRAIN TO THE FLOOR AND WARNED:

“IF YOU EVER TRY ANYTHING THAT DUMB AGAIN, I’LL BEAT THE OTHER HALF OF YOUR BRAIN OUT! I THOUGHT I TAUGHT YOU BETTER THAN THAT.”