purple people eater
The announcement came across every wavelength across all communication media, they were here. Never before had a planet stood in such terrible horror as the sun began to fade under the sheer number of their landing craft. It was the route of civilization.
The New Catholic Empire was formed over seventy five years ago when man reached out into the heavens and discovered what we had all feared, in our search for life among the stars we had found god.
He was working in a Starbucks just to the left of Ursa Major, in a binary star cluster known a B-793. He had fallen on hard times after sinking his entire life savings creating everything and Chase Manhattan foreclosed on the Milky Way.
He then decided to write the story of his achievements but couldn’t come up with a snappy title, since Star Wars had been taken. Nor could he find a good publisher being as he had lost his life savings in the creation of the universe and all things in it, except for land water and vegetables which we will explain in a moment.
Our galaxy was in probate awaiting an escrow evaluation when the Holy Roman Empire crucified the auditor, mistaking him for the son of god, when in fact he was the son of a god, a forgotten lord named Ted.
Ted was the god of parsley. I know this sounds strange, however, god was good at creating sentient life but had problems with vegetation, water and land. Therefore in the creation of all things he contracted out to other deities the creation of land, water and vegetables.
Ted the god of parsley created all the plant life in the Milky Way. Scott, lord of towels created the water and Randy God of Rock created all the lands of all the Milky Way, as well as 80’s hair metal, the “Camaro” and Queensryche.
With the discovery that god was in fact not dead, just bankrupt, what was left of religion became a screaming fervor of disillusionment setting the Vatican on it ear and forcing us all to re-evaluate our belief system.
In the void of a real deity came the First Marshal of Faith, His Holy Eminence Paul, Master of all things Devout and keeper of the 4-G wireless card. Paul’s reign of terror was one of great suffering for mankind as he instructed his first convert, those of the televangelistic crowds to demand of their flock’s money to begin the creation of the New Catholic Empires Starmada.
Anyone found not tithing to the cause was forced to give over their first born son to the Church of the Newly Buggered Alter Boy for assimilation to the new faith. It was Paul’s design that since god had in fact abandoned us for the lifestyle of a Hollywood writer, wanna be looser, it was up to mankind to find another, more pious and infallible divinity.
Ten years after the creation of the New Catholic Empire the first of the Cathedrals fired it engines. The unfortunate side effect was that the bow of the ship was facing away from the sun and so when the engine did light, it blew out the pilot light of the sun, plunging the world into yet another ice age.
This ice age lasted for only five years as the closet repairman lived in the Ceti-Alpha system and traffic was against him the whole way. Suffice it to say he re-light the pilot light, the sun warmed the earth, the ice melted and so came the Second Great Flood. All life was washed away from the planet save for Oliver Platt, John Cusack, the Cardashion girls and a spider monkey. It was time for mankind we were on the brink of extinction until the body of Paris Hilton washed ashore. It would seem that Paris was not actually dead, just in a comma from a lack of being used as a cum dumpster and so with the aid of the spider monkey and a half empty bottle of Wild Turkey, mankind was saved from extinction.
Sorry, got a bit off track with the back story…
The landing craft loomed dark and ever present in the skies ahead as the anthem of the New Catholic Empire blared from all speakers all over the world it looked as though all way lost when the music stopped. The world held its breath for what would come next.
“This is the Arch Bishop Earl. You are commanded by the First Marshal of Faith, His Holy Eminence Wayne, Master of all things Devout and keeper of the 4-G wireless card to tune your visual entertainment apparatus to the channel number 23 for his public address. Those of you not using cable are instructed to tune your satellite receivers to the channel 100 and those of you still using broadcast tune to channel 15. That is all.”