the long and winding road

the feeling of loneliness is something that we all experience from time to time…

missing someone who is not with us…

anxiety brought on by the solitude…

then there is the crushing loneliness of true loss…

i am lonely…

i set in my house and look out the window trying to remember the sound of her voice…

i try to remember what my father looked like…

i can not remember the way Jaspers hair felt in my hand as i rubbed his ears…

i set in the dark and try to recapture any moment that i have lost…

i lie in bed and stare at the ceiling or the wall or out the window until my will crumbles to the sleep waiting like a primal beast ready to pounce…

i wake so that i can set and stare until its time to work and even then the haunting, gnawing, all consuming need that has burrowed its way into the holes that have been left in my life tickles the tips of my ears, the very ends of my minds eye…

then the drive home is something so mundane i dont remember it most days…

i walk into my home and feed the boys…

then i set in the dark and fend off the violent advances of sleep until i have no will to fight again…

and again…

and again…

i truly wish my heart would stop…

how can something so old and so beaten still find the will to pump blood…

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June 15, 2020

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