the new nromal

i set in the cool light of day…

the muddy water of my mind begins to still and soot of passing years falls to the bottom…

i see all the things i used to do,  to be drift down wards like a filthy snowfall and i ponder all the things that might have been…

as the waters clear and i begin to settle into the new normal, the normal that i will forever walk this pale blue dot forever alone…

as i settle into the mediocrity of being mundane and pointless something comes along to shake my normal as one would shake a snow globe, no, more like a spoiled little child , bent on selfish vindication would throw a rock into a still pond…

i received in the mail today a check…

a check from what must have been her estate…

it was the tax money, last of her work benefits whatever hodge podge reparations that seeped out of the woodwork for her lifetime of labor…

why cant i be free of her…

when will the tumbling jumble of love, hate, joy, sadness and despair be gone form me…

i want to die, i want to scream, i want to wash this never ending nightmare from my soul…

there is not enough hot water and soap…

there is no razor blade sharp enough…

no pill strong enough to cleanse this place of me…

i will remain and that is hell, to remain outside of gods vision, his love…

i would never wish this on her…

even now i pray and hope that she is free…

why did i have to love her…