I Love You, I Hate You

I haven’t been on. We lost internet when he lost his job. Life has been rough lately, and we both have struggled immensely with the return of depression. We’re working and fighting now, but getting to the point of wanting to fight was difficult. Depression caused us both to isolate ourselves. He stayed in our room, while I stayed in my rocker in the living room with the kids, feeling overwhelmed and alone. It really made me start to reevaluate our relationship.

Earlier this month we celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary. Our actual 13th anniversary is in September. Lately I feel so conflicted. I love him much more than I ever thought I’d love someone other than my kids, but sometimes I can’t stand him. We’re polar opposites and it causes a lot of strife. I want a big family, he was fine having kids before we started. Maybe it’s just the fact that I always saw myself as a single mother.  Maybe it’s the wedge that’s been driven between us this year. Maybe I’m just frustrated that when things were finally going good my life fell apart again, and technically it’s his fault. Maybe I just blame him. Maybe it’s just the depression fucking with me. Whatever it is, I wish I could just think clearly and move on with my life.