I Need Some Relaxation

I’ve been mostly up since 4:30 this morning, on my day off. Bella kept trying to wake up, so I tried my hardest to stay in bed, despite needing to get up to use the restroom. Darryl moving around to get ready for work probably didn’t help. Eventually I couldn’t wait anymore and quietly got up. She was mostly awake when I got back, but it was still just 5 and dark, so I tried to lay back down with her. I finally gave her my iPad and passed out while she watched her movies. Big mistake! I woke up 45 minutes later to her in the tub, sunscreen everywhere, and the iPad in the tub with her. Somehow it still works fine. Thank God she’s old enough to know how to bathe herself, so she’s used to turning on the water and making sure it’s not hot. I’ve been so frustrated all morning, both from lack of sleep and the way I woke up. Bella has also been on a roll with misbehaving today. She needs to be on a schedule, but it’s so hard when my schedule is everywhere and the guys don’t pay enough attention to details to keep any kind of schedule. School did so much for her, I can’t wait until it starts back up. I’ve been working on laundry all morning, but my feet are just killing me. I’m not sure if it’s depression or just plain exhaustion, but I don’t really want to do anything but sit here and play mobile games. The worst part is, I’m bored 90% of the time while playing them. I initially downloaded them to pass time while I was doing other stuff, but sometimes I can just sit all day and mindlessly play while nothing gets done. I’m guessing it’s depression because when I do that I’m not enjoying myself. I’m just kind of avoiding being an adult while the kids are at school. Since they’ve been out I’ve been taking them to the movies and stuff on my days off. Sundays we have church, so I’m still out of the house. I don’t know, something’s got to give. A lot of the time anymore I daydream about leaving and just starting over somewhere that nobody knows me. Usually I wonder if I could do it on my own. Just pack up the kids and drive. It’s not that I don’t love my husband, but after this past year there’s so much uncertainty there. Some days I’m super clingy and just want to cuddle. Other days I don’t think I even like him. It’s such an odd and unsettling feeling. Sigh. I’ve told him I think we could benefit from marriage counselling. I don’t want to throw away 14 years. I just want a happy life. Anyway, enough rambling. I need to do another load of laundry and wash some dishes. Plenty to do, not enough time to do it all. Such is life. See y’all in the next one.

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August 6, 2019

It’s definitely depression. I do the same thing, distract myself at times when it comes down to stuff I can do that needs to be done. Like right now. I should be doing dishes, instead I logged onto here, lol.