In the past February 1st has been a terrible day for me. Ten years ago my aunt died on this day…she was a pretty great lady. I was only ten years old…it was the 2nd time in my life where I had experienced the loss of a loved one. It was the 1st time a person I loved died when I had finally understood what death meant. So as a young kid I freaked out, I cried and was really sad. Two years before my grandfather had died, then I didn’t understand what it meant when someone dies. But now I had finally understood through the years of missing my grandpa. My aunt was a very close friend of my mother, whom is a nurse. She was there when my aunt died and it effected her in many ways. About five years ago to this exact date my mother left, she had a mental break down. It was a huge tragedy in my life. Its something that I still haven’t gotten over completely. My mom hurt my father whom is one of the people I look up to the most, seeing his pain surpassed my own at her departure. She also caused damage to my younger brother’s life by taking him away with her when she left…..he felt that someone had to watch and take care of her. He was only ten years old! Before then I had never thought something like this could happen to my family…but it did. It was a huge shock to me. I haven’t completely forgiven my mom, I don’t know if I can. I understand some of the reasons she did what she did but it still angers me. I feel terrible for not being the best daughter that she could have, hopefully someday I can learn to forgive her. Another reason I consider this to be a bad day is because the spaceship Columbia also crashed on Feb 1st. So it adds evidence to my thought that this is a terrible day. My mom leaving has totally changed my life from what it had been before her departure. I also really believe that if my aunt had never died, my mother would have had someone to help her through all the hard things that she was going through. Things could have been so different. What if all this never had happened? Would I be a cool popular kid? Would I be a spoiled rotten brat who knows nothing about the real world? I guess that it is better that all of this has happened because this experiences have made me who I am. They have taught me how cruel yet wonderful life can be. Suprisingly today nothing bad has really happened to me…maybe I’m just silly in dreading this day. But who knows!? This day in the past has caused me some serious pain. I’m not a person who really likes to cry…yet on two separate occasions of this day I have cried my eyes out. Forrest Gump’s mother said that life was like a box of chocolates….but I really think that life is just a big ole box of shit.
On another note though….it has been really hard for me to find a boyfriend. I’m really shy, so its hard for me even to talk to boys…I’m more comfortable talking to boys that I don’t like than boys whom I do like. I’m also a virgin…it seems to be a huge disadvantage for me. Most of the men I have met don’t respect my virginity at all, they just wanna get laid! Also it seems no one wants to date me because of it. Being a virgin doesn’t necessarily mean I’m not gonna eventually have sex with someone….it just means I’m not a whore. There is no way I would want to loose my virginity in a one night stand, but it seems boys get scared away from the fact that I’m still a virgin. It makes me mad, I thought it was kinda cool to be a virgin but now I begin to think that its just a roadblock to finding a good boyfriend.
Also lately I have been using a dating sites, trying a different alternative to meeting boys that could become potential boyfriends. Right now I’m talking to this guy, he seems pretty cool. He hasn’t said anything sexual to me, it seems like he may not be a guy who is just looking for a good fuck! It gives me hope…but it also scares the shit out of me. I’m going to meet him in a few weekends and I’m afraid that he will decide he doesn’t like me. He works out everyday…so he is really in shape. And me? I’m not skinny, I’m chubby but I’m not extremely fat. I’m afraid that my chubbiness will scare him away. I told him I wasn’t skinny, he said that doesn’t matter. Could he just be saying that it doesn’t matter when actually it does? I’m really nervous to meet him. It would hurt my feelings if I was rejected. We have been texting for a few days now and if we keep texting for two weeks and then BAM he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore I will be really hurt. It might convince me that I’m not good enough for anybody. Jeez….sometimes life really sucks. I guess I’m gonna have to wait to meet him to find out what happens.