Sibling Loss
My sister died today. I always knew this day would come as she struggled with addiction for as long as I can remember. Guilt sets in as I’ve lived a better life, had it easier, was the baby and our dads favorite. (Same dad different moms). When I received the news I cried out as that’s what’s expected when you get this type of news. However, I was numb and willed the tears to come. I was the glue holding everyone together. Someone had to be able to talk to the cops and the medical examiner. To find out the next steps. Now that it’s 12 hours later and I’m alone in my room, the darkness approaches in a wave. Silently crushing me, drowning me. Does it get easier?
I am going to tell you that, yes, it does get easier. Grief feels like waves that overwhelm you. Then they recede for a while, you function and then it swells again. Then one day, you realize that you have not cried that day. You still grieve, but the intensity becomes less consuming. As for the survivor guilt, though it is normal really, it is something that you can start working against, for instance, when the thoughts come, tell yourself that addiction is a disease, and people succumb to diseases. Some overcome them, and some don’t. You don’t have it (at least as far as I know) and she did. That is not your fault, or hers for that matter.
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