Stuck in a Rut

February 22, 2021

It’s that time of year where winter has seemed to be going on for 6 months, even though it is only the second month of the year. We are having more snow than previous years, which has caused me to crash one car, pop a tire on another, and get stuck 2 different times on the same day in the ice and snow. I am in my third semester of graduate school in 9 of the hardest classes I’ve had thus far and have midterms in a week. I began taking new anxiety medication a few weeks ago and I go through a bipolar-like ray of emotions when I switch up my medication routine.

Every. single. little. thing. is. bothering. me.

I am always the person who is there to talk day or night to help anyone in need. I pride myself in loving and caring for my friends and family in an empathetic way unlike most people my age. I am open and honest about mental health and struggles, and am able to be a compassionate person to lean on when people are going through a rough time.

…but where are my people when I am going through this hard time?

I have tried talking to my friends about how irritable and anxious I have been the last few weeks, and they seem to dismiss this information saying it is just an off week and that I don’t seem that irritable. I have literally asked those close to me what I should do and they move on to other topics that seem miniscule in comparison to how my mind and body have been feeling in this funk. This feedback loop angers me because I put my own mental health to the side to support those around me as best as I can, but I do not receive anything remotely close in return.

I wish I could just say fuck everyone and disappear for a month, but I am afraid that no one will know, or even care, that I am not around. Will they even notice? Will they miss me? Would anyone realize what I have been feeling? Would anyone reach out to check on me? Is this just my seasonal depression talking, or is it something more?

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