I just feel very shit and emotional today. Yesterday was Jaimie’s birthday celebration and today is her actual 21st birthday. It makes me feel so sad…she has grown up so fast and honestly it just brings up memories of Clint. All that sadness boils up, even as I write this I cry. You manage to get through your days without the sadness, yet still the memory. some days you don’t think of him at all. I guess that’s just how it is even when someone is alive. Then an event like yesterday happens and it just floods your memories and emotions with everything you have managed to put away for so long.

Its also so sad for me to see how many amazing friends she has, I don’t even know, apart from family, who would attend a birthday party for me. I think the same thing about my funeral one day, will there even be anyone there? Clint was so loved and respected by everyone, its amazing to see the impact he has left on this world. Do I even measure up to that. Do I even make any kind of impact in this world?

It has also brought up emotions of having a child, that I just wont ever have one. Can’t do that on my own, and I won’t…I won’t put a child through that, and I also don’t have the means to give that child a happy life. You can never have enough month, but I don’t even make it on my salary each month, I must dig into my savings which is nearly dry and/or my credit card which I am trying hard to avoid it spiralling out of control. I look at Jaimie and think to myself that if I did have a child how I wish that child would be like her.

It also hurts that she is so busy all the time and doesn’t speak to me much as close as we maintain we are…we are not THAT close. I would love for us to be closer. I get it, she has her friends, she has a life, and she is very busy with Uni, I get it, I have been there and gone through it. But perhaps what I need and lack in my life is a close and intimate friend.

I feel so alone at times, hardly anyone ever checks up on me, especially my own sister. She never checks in on me. Still haven’t even been asked by her how my health is doing after my heart attack and if I am even ok! How bad is that, that your own sister seemingly doesn’t give a fuck. I have mentioned it to her once or twice, but it doesn’t sink in. It never does. She isn’t that way inclined. She doesn’t think that far, she doesn’t have any empathy for humans, she has no forethought.

Antoinette is just a no-go area for me, she is so wrapped up in her life she hasn’t got time for people and when she does its never a selfless conversation. She sill initiate convo and ask how I am doing only because she needs to ask me or tell me something. That’s how is has always been with her.

Fazlyn is still an amazing friend, but I also get it, her life is just as crazy with 2 kids and a husband who is lazier than anyone I have ever met, so I get it. It still hurts that things are not what they used to be with us. I don’t think I have seen her in over a year.

I miss having people around me, but I don’t miss having people around me. I avoid meeting new people, I avoid seen the current people in my life. I don’t mind a phone chat, but I avoid leaving my home, to the point that I sometimes don’t even want to go and see my Mom. I just want to be at home. Is my depression getting worse again, I have been in a good space for a long time, do I need something new? I don’t know. I don’t know this disease enough to know when I need to try jump out of the slowly boiling pot. This disease consumes you at such a slow rate that your “new” norm changes every day without you even realising.

There is just a lot going on in my head…A LOT. I take half a Rivotril twice a day and it helps for the anxiety, but it doesn’t help for the sadness and depression.

Work is just the pits, I come here every day feeling sick to my stomach. I leave feeling happy knowing I am going home. Shaun…treats me like utter shit. Doesn’t really talk to me, takes forever to answer me when I need advice. Constantly throws me under the bus for things that haven’t even been shown to me properly. I try to stand up for myself and all I get is shot down with comments that make me seem incompetent. I have only been doing this BM job for a month and a half and I really don’t know who to turn to for advice and help because he makes me look and feel like an idiot. He goes off at me like a sarcastic cow when something is wrong, but I haven’t even been shown the correct way to do it. He makes you feel so small and pathetic. I know I shouldn’t give my power away like that to people, but it affects me greatly. Such personal things always affect me deeply because all I ever try is to be the best that I can be. I just hate it here. Hennie has left and he was such a great support structure, empathetic, helpful, and understanding. He was fair. Adam isn’t someone that can be trusted to talk to…he and Shaun are so far up each other its not even funny, so who do I turn to. Feel so trapped!

All I do lately is smoke and eat shit food because it brings me comfort, and this isn’t something I can afford to do considering I have had a heart attack.

Last week I had thoughts again of just ending my life. I wouldn’t say they were that serious but nonetheless there. This mentality of “why me, oh me, victim me”. Its becoming a pattern. I never felt like I was the victim before but lately, that’s all I think about. I don’t like it, I am aware of it, and I am trying to change my mindset but days/weeks/periods like this don’t help.

I am sitting here at work writing this stuff because it feels so overwhelming and consuming that I know I have to do something to get these thoughts on paper but all I want to do is go home, crawl in a ball and cry and sleep all day. I just don’t have strength today…but I am too scared to ask Shaun if I can go home, just plain frightened to be honest.

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