Unknown Territory

I came here because I didn’t know what else to do. This was a new choice. A chance to start a new life. I thought everything would fall into its place once I got here. And it is falling into place, but very slowly. I still feel anxious before interacting with people. I still feel very lonely, worried and depressed. I’ve been trying to suppress these emotions for a long time. But I feel them. And it’s making me think I should go back. Back to what is safe. Back to the known territory.

I just want to be able to be myself with people. That is all I want. To not wake up with a headache from processing all the information I had during the day that I didn’t process at the appropriate times because I was too afraid of facing the emotions. I don’t care where I am. I just want to be able to feel free. To allow myself to feel what I feel, and to not beat myself up about it. I’m SO exhausted of trying to control everything. I feel like a robot sometimes. It has come to this. I feel like a robot. Me. Me.

I’m just so afraid of rejection. That’s the whole reason why I think of others more than I think of myself. Why I don’t know what I want because I’m so worried about thinking what others are thinking of me. My fucking ego. I want to feel love again. I want to not be afraid anymore. I want one fucking conversation I have to flow.

I need to remember what it feels like to be human again. I forgot what its like. And I didn’t want to remember it. I didn’t want to remind myself of the fact that I am human. The current state I’m in is beautiful. It’s gorgeous. I can see it when I distance myself from the feelings. I’m going through a major life change. I’ve changed professions. I’ve changed countries. Continents. I’m single. In New York. I’m studying the only thing I ever dreamed of studying. I’m in an ivy league school. I literally have all the boxes ticked off, yet I don’t feel happy. It’s because I don’t have love.

Also, a part of me is not wanting to settle in fully because my mind is still with my mom. She didn’t want me to come here in the first place. I’m placing a barrier between myself and this place. I’m allowing her to affect me even while she is still not here. How the fuck is that possible? I’m afraid. That I will find a partner here and get married and have a life here and my mom will be all alone in Turkey and she won’t get to see my kids like she wanted to. I’m not even in a relationship but look how i’m worrying about unreal events. But isn’t it likely? It is.

Where do I find the love? From men? Certainly, but not the only place. Friends. It terrifies me to not be able to share my opens freely with any of my friends. I don’t have a small group of friends. I have a ton. That’s it. I have a ton of friends and I don’t know who to share with. I have a ton of things to be grateful about but they are so much that I feel overwhelmed. Does that mean I should simplify by quitting acting school and start working? I really want to start working.

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