Binged

I just binge ate due to stress and now I am more stressed, this has been happening quite often lately and it’s causing me to panic.  I am afraid of gaining weight and I am terrified I have gained weight since winter break started.  I was to peel off my skin and cut off all the fat on my body I want it gone.  I feel absolutely terrible right now and I have no clue what to do.  My brain is teling me to eat more but the. that causes mroe stress for me and it’s just a cycle.  I wish I could just call someone whenever I felt like this so they could distract me or talk me through it or something with tout questioning me too much or judging me or think I’m over reacting or not believing me because I’m an average weight.  When ever I have tokd someone about my eating disorder I have been body shamed in one way or another, “you don’t look it” “I don’t think it’s working” “I thought that was you being healthy” yeah because me not eating for 3 fucking days straight is “healthy”. Yeah, me throwing up my food because I feel so sick and so terrible about myself is “healthy”.  Yeah me keeping my calories under 800 is “healthy”.  I’ll fucking show that guy that its working.  I’ve lost 65 god damn fucking pounds in the past YEAR MAYBE LESS. I get it I’m not skinny.  I get it I’m still fucking fat but god damnit you dont get to say shit like that and invalidate me and make me binge eat on everything in sight making me look terrible. Making me FEEL TERRIBLE GOD FUCKING DAMNIT YOU DONT GET TO FUCKING DO THAT.  POINTING OUT HOW BIG MY LEGS ARE AND AFTER ME SAYING THAT I FUCKING STARBE YOU SAYING ITS MOT WORKING YEAH THATS NOT GONNA WORK FOR ME BUDDY.  EVERY SINGLE GOD DAMN DAY YOU POKE ME FOR RANDOM FUCKING REASONS AND YOUR ANNOYING AS SHIT EVERY TIME I LOOK AT YOU EVEN JUS FOR A SECOND YOU ACT LIKE IM A FREAK AND SAY “what’re you looking at” OH YEAH IM SORRY LET ME JUST CLAW OHT MY FUCKING EYES. EVEN BETTER HOW ABOUT I ELIMINATE MYSELF COMPLETELY.  YOUD FEEL BAD THEN YEAH? ESPECIALLY IF I WROTE SOMETHING JUST FOR YOU DAVID OR WHATEVER YOUR STUPID ASS NAME IS. FUCK YOU ASSHOLE.