Crush

I think I like someone, but I know he won’t like me back.  After all, an age gap of 2 years can be seen as weird in high school lol.  It just hurts.  Why do I have to have so much wrong with me?  I’ll get better if that’s what it takes for him to like me.  He’s such a sweet guy and has the cutest smile ever.  He has trouble with tone understanding and such but so do I. He has a weird sense of humor like me, and I brought up once how I didn’t know how to ride a bike and he offered to teach me.  He even hung out with me once and let me go to his house because my grandma said something passive-aggressive about gender and sexuality and myself as a queer non-gender-conforming individual.  He has complimented me a couple of times and I’ve caught him staring at me, and whenever I am around he usually goes up to me so I thought he liked me back, but yesterday he said something about liking another girl.  It hurt honestly.  That’s when I realized I like him lmao.

Even some of my friends thought he liked me but I guess he doesn’t.  God, I hate having crushes it really sucks.  I mean like before I met him I barely ever wore makeup but ever since he complimented me that one time I’ve been wearing makeup every day.  Maybe he doesn’t like me because of my scars, is that possible?  It’s not my fault.  Well, technically it is, but a toxic relationship was the one that got me to self-harm and it got really bad from then on out and now there’s nowhere you can look at me where I don’t have a scar, literally, I went crazy.  Although of the times he has referred to my scars since I’ve known him he’s said they’re from my cats so I don’t know what that means but I know he definitely knows what they’re actually from because I have told him about my past and hinted at some of my trauma.

I don’t know, I just want him to like me too.  With him I wouldn’t rush into a relationship, I already know him and have for 4 1/2 months already, and if he did like me back I would ask to go on a date or two first before actually making it official to see if I could handle a relationship,  I will warn him and tell him that I have anxiety and abandonment issues so I get really scared sometimes.  I. Hate. Being. A. Teenager.

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