My parents live in a different city and I live in different so I had no one with me. That night was a very long and a lonely night. My friends did asked if I want they could stay with me but I needed the time to think. My mind was spinning and I was questioning myself. I am person who never questioned herself and the decisions I took but that time I did.
I asked myself: Did I do anything wrong? Did I hurt him in some way that he showed his cold shoulder to me? What will I do next? How will I tell my parents about it? Will he accept me and the baby? What will he say tomorrow ? Will he come? or Will he disappear ? I started to loose my mind and started thinking what I never ever thought about people, society and all.
I never cared what the society thought about me “Never did and still Don’t“, but that night those question were haunting me.
As India is not that diversify country that they will accept an unmarried girl being pregnant. Being single unmarried mother is a greatest SIN in this country and still is. Trust me when I say in India people tend to make the life of a girl hell “A Literal HELL.”
I was scared for myself, my baby and for my parents. I though that I brought shame on my family. I made mistake by trusting someone like him. What will my parents think of me? What will I tell them? Will my parents ever forgive me? Will they accept me? Will the help me? and the questions was going on and on for the entire night. (In general trust me I can’t ask for better parents than them. They are very chill, cool and helpful and till day they are.)
When you feel lonely and in this situation I guess we all ask these sort of questions from ourselves. After these roller coster ride in my mind I decided to calm myself down. At least I tried but then other questions started poking me like: What does he mean by “Go and deal with it” Why would he call the baby it? What does he mean by that ” This was a mistake?” “Was I a mistake?” “Is this baby is a mistake?” “What does this mean that his parents will not accept me?”
These questions led me to doubt myself and started believing that. I said to myself that I am not good for him or any one. I am a bad person that’s why these things are happening to me. I was not sure what I would say to him the next day? I was not sure if I could actually do anything?
That road was long and never ending, and in the end I started crying and I cried rest of the night until I fell asleep….