Rollercoster ride from hell but still hopeful

Well since the last entry I’ve spent  a lot of my saved money on mothers day an fathers day (which I’m not yet done with) But it was well worth it.

Since Mr. wonderful’s last e-mail we’ve talked believe it or not. A while back I changed my marital status from single to long term relationship. Well after last thursday (the 5th) I was upset about a lot of things and changed my profile back to single. I also changed my quote from: "Never judge a book by it’s cover, read whats inside" to "Some don’t know a good thing when it’s stairing them straight in the face, Open Your Eyes!!!" Well just when I thought I wouldn’t hear from him I did. He called me at 10:30in the morning on the 10th. which really surprised me. You have to keep in mind I was waking up still. He said I saw your profile. I said what profile and he said It had my name written all over it. Here I’m thinking what profile do I have with his name written all over it? lol I know I felt like an idiot just thinking that.. Thank god I didn’t really ask him that out loud. Then it hit me when he said and you changed it back to single. I said said I was pissed that day. He said but why. I told him that my family and friends think I’m wasting my time and that he doesn’t mean what he says. That they say action speaks louder than words. he giggles and says I say that too. Then he meantions an e-mail I wrote to him the night after I went out dancing. I wrote and told him how much fun I had and that he missed out.  well He came out and told me that he has compatision now. I said what compatision is that. he said well your going out with your sister right? I said yeah.He said well you were going to leave me weren’t you? I was annoyed by that. I told him that I went out to have fun and not out looking for someone new and it’s not like I didn’t want him to be there. Than I told him No I wasn’t leaving him, I love him, I’m just backing off letting him do what he said he needed to do for ("US" wiether that ment me included or) him and his baby and was hoping that if he meant everything he’s been saying that when the time was right he’d come find me. But if not then I’d move on. (trying to prevent the same mistake as in one of my last "relationships" and not getting my hopes up to high until it is REAL and not just a game where I end up playing the fool. I can’t go through that again for anyone. No matter the cost) He said that he wants to be sucure in life finanualy enough to suport his child and me and not have to worry about anything if one of us were to get sick. I understand all that and I told him that. But  I also told him that all the moeny in the world couldn’t buy him love and that his child needs him while he’s young. You don’t get that time back, which he knows. (Not that I’m trying to treat him like he’s stupid or talk down to him. But I just had to say all of that) I think I scared him to thinking I could just leave him. he’s been e-mailing more and calling more. Mom says give it a while.. it will stop again. I hope to god, this time she’s wrong, I would so love it if he shocks the hell out of my family.

Meanwhile I’m still going out and having fun as often as I can. Saving money..  Losing weight (my way and it works.)  Fighting left and right with my family on issues that I’m just wasting my breath on. I don’t even know where to begin there.

The night before mothers day I was watching Dina (my niece) while her mother was at work.. my mom had been yelling at me all week before out of annoince from other things and I was always in the line of fire. well this time she yelled at me for yelling at dina. Dina wasn’t listening to a word I said, And of course my mom had to compare me to my sister and how we are so much alike. Thats an insalt coming from her and she knew it. My sister is lazy and only thinks of herself and the guy(s) she’s in to at the time. Always yelling and pushing dina off on someone or something else because everything else is more important. I’m no where near close to what she is. It started out with her ( my mom) telling me I’ve been in a bad mood and always taking it out on someone. I let her have it. I told her that she hasn’t been in my shoes and until she has she has no room to talk. Telling her that I’m tired of doing everything around the house by myself and that it would be nice if I got some help instead of being bitched at for what I’m not doing right when she herself does the same shit. That she’s been so involved in going out and spending the day with her friend shopping or my mom talking on the phone to her (that same friend) all day and when she’s not doing that she’s sleeping. And if she’s awake and I want to talk about something she’s to tired to talk.

Mom told me that night, The next day I wasn’t to do anything at all.. that she’d clean her own house, take care of her own child (my younger sis, who also has CP) and that I wasn’t going to babysit anymore. That she wasn’t going to let me throw up in her face again what she’s not doing.  I told her that’s another thing. I’m 27 not 5. That I wasn’t going to stand by and let her tell me what I was going to do.. I told her that should be up to me weither I decide to stop babysitting or not. That I wasn’t taking anymore shit from them. And That I’m not saying I don’t want to do what I’ve been doing it’s that I do so much and with out complaint but the moment I’m not in a good mood everyone wants to jump my ass and call me on my shit when infact if anyone should be doing the calling, it should be me on how they act. Jess comes up with so many damn excuses as to why she doesn’t do anything and she gets away with it.Like when it comes to daisy. (I told mom this when she asked why I care what happens to dina or daisy, that they’re not my kids) I said someone has to give a shit about their well being when their own mother doesn’t care. Mom told me they’re not my responceiblty and I argued that to the bone. I said YES THEY ARE! I’ve been taking care of daisy for years and I do it all now for her while they sit on their asses watching tv. I told mom if daisy is not my responciblty then why in the hell isn’t jess doingmore or  anything for daisy.. (she’s just as much her sister as she is mine) why in the hell am I doing it all and even taking care of her kid in the process. (Even when she’s off from work) Why isn’t jess told to go in there by my mother when daisy needs something. Mom couldn’t answer with anything other than I don’t know. Then I meationed how I’m tired of being questioned on every move I make when it comes to dina and her well being while I babysit like I’m not doing my job or being yelled at on how I run things because it’s not to jessi liking. when she herself does nothing to change it either. There was more I meationed but I can’t remember it all. when jess got home mom set some boundries for jess and told her that she was to pay more attention to her daughter, stay off the computer and keep her phone calls short when dina is awake and needs her and that she will help more around the house and she will help and do for daisy more.

well all that energy just to get them to listen did nothing.. nothing has changed. mom got jess to trim the bushes out front and clean out the fridge for money. That was another thing come to think of it. I told mom that she tells me I’m always kissing Jessica’s ass when it comes to things and making her life easier.. I told mom that she does the same thing even worse and if I don’t kiss her ass and let her have it, I’m being a bitch and I need an attidute ajustment. when the one who needs an ajustment never gets one. she just gets everything handed to her on a silver platter and the world revolves around her to the point if something goes wrong we all have to put our lives on hold.So excuse me for giving a shit where others don’t and excuse me for finally realizing I deserve better than this shit and fnally getting up enough guts to stand up for myself and telling ya’ll where you can go.

But like I said.. it’s not going to change.. but when dad comes home.. they’ll put on a good act and make it look like they are trying. I’m just thinking my part and saving money. when I got my shit together I’m out of here. with or with out Mr. wonderful. which ever comes first. I’m just sorry it took me so long to realize I’m better than the shit I’ve been putting up with. I love my family.. but now I know why in most cases some move out when they are 18 and not years later. .

Oh well, we all have to start somewhere.. better late than never.

~Lily~

PS: My entry title sums it all up…. I’m crazy, it’s a wonder I’m not yet in a nut house. lol

  Good night