Is it Really Over

So today started bad and hasn’t got any better.

I woke up with a migraine YAY, not good at all, and well with in minutes of waking up when I really had not had much sleep as I had this migraine most of the night I got a message from “T” and well it wasn’t good. I have had a feeling for a week or so that something wasn’t right and well basically he told me he doesn’t want a Relationship at the moment with everything that is going on. I totally understand its a scary confusing time but firstly we weren’t in a relationship and soundly I don’t understand I feel he isn’t telling me everything, I questioned him on us still talking but I’m hurting I feel like I’ve been played a fool for a couple of weeks, I understand everyones mental health is suffering and it was one thing he mentioned so I would never do anything to make someone else’s mental health worse. I feel I need to more answer and I know I may never get them. I did try and call him to talk more about it all but he told me he couldn’t talk right at the moment and we would talk later but of cause I haven’t heard from him and that was about 12 hours ago. I feel lost, used, abused sad, broken and now more than ever alone. I feel like I have lost every thing no one to talk to during these times as we are so isolated from everyone and everyone I know has there own problems. I would love to talk to a friend but I don’t like burdening them with my problems. I know people will say if they are true friends they won’t mind but I don’t talk to people about my problems I have lost to many friends that way. So I sit here crying for the guy that could of been, crying for all the guys that were and for once again losing hope. I have always had this feeling that my life would end with it being me a very alone person and every day its getting closer and closer to that. I didn’t really know how I felt about “T’ till today I realised when he wrote all this that there where feelings there. The grown up in me knows I am not going to push him into doing anything he doesn’t want to do as that is not right but I want to be a kid and have a tantrum and make him do what I want and when I want it.

Oh well onto enjoying a very lonely life

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April 10, 2020

I hate days that start with a migraine.  One thing I always liked about OD was having a safe place to write about problems. I’m sorry he broke things off with you. It’s ok to mourn what could have been.

April 14, 2020

🙁 i’m sorry