Closing Chapter

He said he’d call me after the gym, and I didn’t hear from him. It’s okay. I’ll leave it. I’ve done what I can for now, and anything more is pathetic.

I don’t like the way he talks to me when he’s frustrated. I find he gets frustrated quite easily. I suppose he gets frustrated when I’m defensive, and when I’m defensive I’m extra-sensitive to criticism. Unfortunately frustration makes him extra critical.

Perhaps that makes us incompatible. Compatibility is so important in a relationship. Fundamental. They say timing is everything. I wonder if this is a wait it out thing or if we are just not made for each other.

I tell him my fears and afterwards I’m still scared. I tell him my fears and he sees me as weak. I tell him my fears expecting acceptance, instead I’m left alone and scared, he’s just as defensive as I am. Sometimes I think we are the same. Sometimes I think he is better. I need a safe place, but my fears are met with rejection. How lucky that I’m no stranger to loneliness.

He says he writes just like how I speak. Maybe that’s why I love the way he writes.

I was an open book, but it’s closing. To believe he could leave is to give up. To have to prove myself is to give up. Perhaps I need to love myself as much as I love him. I had it the wrong way around and I knew it from the beginning.

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April 28, 2018

Always love yourself more.

August 19, 2018

We teach people how to treat us. Maybe it’s your fault he is callous toward you. You were supposed to say, “You can’t treat me this way, I won’t let you.” Next time you share your fears with him share the fear you have here tonight, that  you fear you’re not compatible. That might wake him up to the fact that he needs to take a closer look at how he treats you.