I don’t feel right today. woke up from a dream early this morning, feeling uneasy about details I couldn’t remember.

I don’t feel like meditating or jogging. I don’t feel like doing anything I know I should be doing to be better. And that makes me feel guilty. My self-esteem has been low for a while now and I don’t see it getting better by itself. That’s a scary thought.

Lately I’ve had doubts about my relationship with T. His libido has been really low lately, and it annoys me that he’s not actively trying to improve it, e.g. with exercise, or at least by looking into himself to identify why. I guess he’s going through his own stuff that I’m not privy to. We used to be closer emotionally. I miss him.

Perhaps it would help to focus less on what he’s not doing (which leads to resentment), and more time focusing on my part in the issue and what I can do on my end. However, the issue with that is I really can’t think of what part I might play in his lowered libido.

God I miss our sex life. It’s still awesome when we do it once a week or whatever, but it used to be awesome almost every single night. Every night I’d get into bed excited to share that intimacy with him. I wonder what I can do. What part I play in our emotional and physical distance.

I think a major factor in my resentment is that he doesn’t seem to want to acknowledge that it’s a problem at all. I feel like he’s choosing passivity/avoidance over confronting the issue and being proactive to find solutions that suit us both. I’m sick of waiting passively for things to fix themselves.

This entry took a full circle. Maybe he feels like I did when I started writing–like not doing what needs to be done to get better. But you know what? When you’re in a relationship, you have a responsibility to your partner to look for ways out of ruts. You don’t have to rush and your parter should be patient, but my god you can’t just let an issue go for six months and wait for things to get better themselves–that’s inconsiderate.

Advice welcome.


PS. Why is there no ‘Relationships’ Diary Circle? There are circles for both marriage and divorce, but no relationships in general? No circle for friendships? 🤔

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Every night you say? Oy vey. That’s a lot, maybe… give him breathing space? Idk… there should be a relationship circle.

July 21, 2022

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