I’m not entirely sure where to start with this or who my target audience will be, outside of a select few people here and there. At least that’s what it started as, but the more I think about it, the more I really kind of want it out there. Not in a “look at me look at me” kind of way, because ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you I’m not a fan of attention, but because my mental health has been a sore spot for me for just about my entire life and only within the last few years have I started doing anything about it. It’s definitely a work in progress, and let me tell you, it’s been HARD. It’s been painful and exhausting and there’s been so many setbacks and it’s fucking SUCKED.
If you’re just tuning in to the shit show that is my life, I will recap the last 35 years for you in another post. All of it- the childhood trauma and the relationships and all of my poor decisions that got me where I am today.
Where I am today is a hot fucking pile of shit of a person.
I started this to keep one particular person in the loop on my progress, because he means the world to me, and I want him to know I’m trying, and will continue trying until I have my head on straight, even if it takes 100 years. This is a journey I’ve been on for about 3 years (I mean, I didn’t start feeling any progress until about 2 years ago, so lets not kid ourselves or act like I’ve been doing great things all this time) but this journey of mine became a lot more pressing upon not just meeting, but falling completely in love with this person (i know, puke, gag, blech) If you ask him, he would tell you that right from day 1 I was already dreading where this might go because I knew I wasn’t where I wanted to be yet. We had a falling out and he gave me another chance, which accelerated my progress, but unfortunately not enough. Now I’ve hurt him again, and I’m a fucking mess over it. So this is where the big shit’s going to start happening.
So I’m going to be posting on here. Nothing too personal or serious, that I will keep in my own private journal at home (yea, I started doing that too, so what??) and that way he can check up on this any time he wants and see that I’m working hard at this.
Also think I’m going to give the link to my therapist and some close friends. I’m hoping that if anyone else sees this and sees that it can be done, it might motivate others to seek treatment for their mental health as well.
I should also mention that I’m double majoring in psychology and social work in school, and that if I didn’t truly believe that people were capable of these kinds of changes, that I wouldnt be wasting my time in school for it. I think we don’t see people change as quickly or as often or as drastically as we would like to see because when you are trying and hit a wall, it’s so easy to go “I can’t do it. It’s impossible”…. fuck, thats exactly what i did in the first year since I started doing this. It’s easy when its a physical ailment, or something you can see, or get bloodwork to get diagnosed and specific medication and thats all you need. It’s so much harder when it’s all trial and error and nothing you can see with your eyes or that will show up on labs or scans. My first year after realizing the changes I had to make was nothing but fuck ups and me saying “I can’t change, this is just who I am”. But I kept at it for my daughter, because I felt like I had failed her so many times. That’s a powerful motivator man. LOVE is a powerful motivator. So is guilt and regret. I can tell you it’s been a LONG time since my issues have effected my daughter. (well over a year, maybe even two- idk anymore, COVID is fucking up my timelines)
I apologize to her regularly for all of that, and she made me actually cry when one day I apologized to her (again) for my past behavior and promised her I’m still working every day at being better for her, and she said “Oh, believe me I know. You’re a LOT better than you used to be- I see it!” and … goddamnit I’m crying again.
So… I still keep using the tools I’ve learned for her, and I’m on new meds (yes, Me, the one whos been fighting and arguing about big pharma for years has recently taken the plunge to get on medication) and am seeing a new therapist starting this wednesday, I want to bring up with my psychiatrist the possibility that I may have something like bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder (idk, im not a fucking shrink) and even just saying that makes me feel a tiny twinge of shame because of the stigma that mental health issues carry, but I’m determined to help the world just a little bit by talking openly about it.
And that’s ultimately why we’re here.
Anyone else seeing this- you can fucking do this shit too. It’s NOT impossible. Take the first steps, because you need to start somewhere, and don’t be discouraged when you fail the first one or two or 949498 times, and keep fucking going.
Over and out.