10. Just going to spill it.

First of all, I’ve been having a weird conflict with myself about how updating this thing feels like narcissism to me. Like It’s saying “hey everyone, look at me, I’m important, this is stuff you should all care about because it’s me! Blah blah blah”

 

Writing on here has actually helped me a lot though, even if nobody reads it. I can’t explain why, and my fear is that it feels good to write because I’m a selfish ass narcissist. “I just got to talk about myself for 346774488 paragraphs so I feel good now”… something like that. I’ve been feeling like it probably feels good because I get to vent, and also because sometimes writing the stuff or even reading back what I wrote puts things into perspective. I get the same feeling from writing in my shit at home.

Anyway, my plan to think of a thing I like about myself every day was derailed and that’s okay I guess. I couldn’t think of anything yesterday and I can’t think of anything right now either but I’ll keep trying.

yesterday was a weird day, and has now prompted me to spill everything, so I’m going to.

TW: self harm, suicide(?)

 

I didn’t tell a lot of people any of this- maybe 2 or 3 people. So I’m sorry about that, if you’re a friend and reading this and I didn’t tell you, it’s nothing personal.

a few weeks ago I was having a hard time with life, right after my boyfriend and I split up. I mean I’ve BEEN having a hard time with life, so there’s that. After we split up, I spiraled downward and didn’t want to live anymore. That’s not in a “wahhhh my boyfriend doesn’t want me I’m gonna kill myself” kind of way, I’m not going to want to die over a dude. It was more of a general, ongoing feeling of worthlessness and feeling like I can’t do anything right, feeling like I make a mess out of everything, feeling extreme guilt about all the pain I’ve caused people, and now because of those mistakes I already feel awful and worthless about, my world is getting turned upside down again.

side note- I haven’t been happy in a long time. Like on the surface, I’m happy. Yesterday even, I was very happy, I was feeling great. A lot of days I do feel great, but I’m usually happy about things, and nothing more. The example I gave the person I am very much in love with still was this weird thing. With him I felt happier than I have in over a decade. I remember very vividly spending the night with him one night and driving home, on cloud 9- that new relationship bliss was still there, I was in Heaven. I went home in the morning and laid down in my bed to get some sleep, as we’d been up late doing things (heh, dirty) and I was falling asleep thinking of how happy I was- but also how badly I wanted to be dead, because life was too much for me. It was like a craving, or like… an instinct like hunger. Like I was hungry for my own demise. Best way I can think to explain it, sorry if it sounds weird.

So this feeling is there. When driving, 99% of the time I imagine jerking the wheel into a tree. I imagine a meteor falling and crushing me. I imagine whatever building I’m in collapsing with me in it and killing me. I used to lull myself to sleep imagining being shot in the head or stabbed to death. That thought would relax me so much it would put me to sleep.

so this has been ongoing, for years. Maybe 6 or 7 years? But it’s such a small and regular part of my day that I’d think “we’ll thats not good” but I’d move on.

I think that’s also a large part of why I fell apart so hard when the relationship ended.

So while I was spiraling downward, I sat in my bathtub googling suicide methods. I’ve attempted suicide so many times in my life and failed, and this time I was determined to succeed. I didn’t want to fail and then as a result change my mind. I didn’t want to reach out for help because I didn’t want to change my mind. I bought something crazy online that would ensure beyond a shadow of a doubt that I’d succeed (I do not want to go into details for the safety and well-being of others, I don’t want to put ideas in anyone’s minds or anything)

immediately after making my purchase, i wrote letters to everyone. Friends, family, even my boss.

the crazy thing is that I felt AMAZING after this. Like, so amazing. Euphoric even. I felt like “this is almost over. I can go now.” And I had a kind of peace that I’d NEVER had before. Goddamn I can’t even describe it in words.

my plan was to send my daughter to my moms, leave the cat food and I giant bowl of water out for the cats, shut my bedroom door and do it in there. Then after realizing how hard and traumatic that’d be for my family to find me, and then Clean out my apartment, I decided I wouldn’t do it at home, but rather at the beach in the middle of the night, which made everything even better- I LOVE the beach!- so it was the perfect way to go.

I was almost free from my prison sentence that people call life. It was going to be on a Tuesday when my package arrived.

then I got an email saying they had to cancel my order. Everything came flooding back to me. All of my guilt and all of my heavy stupid shit and all of my horrible feelings, and it felt a lot heavier this time because I’d gotten to experience for the first time in 35 years what it felt like to not feel like that anymore. I have been obsessed with that euphoric feeling ever since then. OBSESSED. And disappointed that the only way I’ll ever feel it again is if I’m on my death bed.

so last night I was feeling GREAT. Like, so great. I was driving around listening to music for the first time in weeks and feeling like things were on the right track for me.

I turned down a narrow street and was motoring along and singing along to one of my favorite songs in the world called “That wasn’t me” by Brandi Carlile  (holy shit I’m just noticing some connections between the lyrics in that song and my life right now lol) and this huge ass truck that was heading towards me swerved completely into my lane- he literally took up the whole lane, and missed me by just inches. He was so close to my car that as he was passing me, my car rocked HARD, to the point I thought he HAD to have hit me.

and that’s what caused me to have a meltdown. Because in less than one second, I had so many thoughts, but that they were all relief that this would probably fucking kill me, or at the very least put ne in a coma. It was that euphoric feeling again. I didn’t move my car at all. I don’t think I sped up or anything, but I was already going 20 over the speed limit for ghat road anyway like I always do. But I didn’t move out of the way at all. I didn’t stop or swerve, I just kept going thinking “this is it, here I go!”

which has brought me here. I’m scared right now. I feel like I can’t trust myself. I feel like I can’t trust my own brain not to put me in life threatening situations. I’m not suicidal, but I can’t trust myself not to try to die if I’m given the chance. I feel better than I did last night, but I feel very… idk, heavy, right now. Like a thick dark fog is looming over me and my brain is screaming “HELP!!!!! GET ME OUT!!!!!!!!”

I need help. I need intensive help, and I don’t know what to do or where to go and I’m afraid of feeling like this and also afraid of feeling so good about NOT feeling like this. It’s a chemical imbalance, I know, but I don’t know what to do about it. I still have my notes to everyone but I feel like I need to write “if anything should happen to me” notes instead because I almost feel like something certainly will and that the survival instincts that every living creature naturally has won’t be there when I need it, because they certainly weren’t last night.

My mom called me the other day and we talked on the phone for like an hour. She called me because she said she had a bad feeling and was really worried about me. That stuck with me last night too. My mom gets feelings about things that she’s always right about. She calls it a mother‘s intuition but history has shown me that she doesn’t really have much of that. But when my sister got pregnant for the first time my mom instead of rejoicing like the rest of us, kept saying something was wrong. Lo and behold my sister ended up miscarrying. When my sister got pregnant a second time, my mom had confusing conflicting feelings. She kept saying she wanted to be happy about it and she kind of was but she still had a bad feeling. My sister started miscarrying again and when she went to the hospital found out that she was actually carrying twins. She miscarried one of the twins but thankfully was blessed with the other, my niece.

 

all night last night I thought about that phone call. And my mom telling me what a bad feeling she had. I take things like that to mean something because my grandmom has what you might call a “gift“… Whether you believe in this stuff or not, she does psychic readings. She’s always done a lot of creepy things as far as knowing things that she had no way of otherwise knowing. So after that truck incident it had me thinking “what if my mom‘s bad feeling is that something is about to happen to me, and this truck thing happened to me to prompt me to get my shit in order for when it does?“

So that’s where I’m at today. I am in a place, mentally where I’m thinking of what I need to do to get my affairs in order. That I need to write letters to people, like a “just in case something happens”, need to clear out my browser history, need to spend real quality time with my daughter, hide some items in my place (lol) and Things like that. I mean, if nothing happens, then I’m OK anyway, but if it does I’m prepared.

 

But… Where the fuck were my survival instincts last night?? Why didn’t I panic and move out of the way?

Today isn’t a good day. I’m going to try to make it one, but I’m feeling pretty terrible today. My brain literally feels like it’s screaming “HELP!!!!” And I don’t know why. Hopefully when I get up and moving I’ll feel better.

also… I’m sorry to my friends. I don’t want to put the burden of ME on anyone, i need to work it out on my own, and I will. Please don’t worry about any of this, but if anyone’s been through this bullshit and has pointers, I am willing to try it all.

todays thing I like about me….is that I’m trying.

there. I thought of a thing. Off to a good start.

that’s all, sorry for my narcissm rant