12. Whole lotta nothing

I haven’t been writing because I haven’t been doing a lot in the way of getting better or any kind of progress. I’ve just been kind of tired and busy. So I haven’t been journaling, haven’t really been reflecting on things too much. I haven’t been to therapy in almost two weeks because my therapist was out of the office last week.

I had a little bit of a setback about a week or so ago. I don’t know if it’s really a setback, I don’t know if it was that bad to be considered a setback, but I yelled up my daughter. To most people that doesn’t sound like a lot but I used to yell at her in a very abusive matter and in the last few years I’ve learned to communicate with her and even discipline her without raising my voice. This one particular day, she was working my nerves, and I snapped. She was making jokes about some thing that I’m kind of self conscious about. I told her “that’s enough”… And she continued. So I gave her a more firm “knock it off”. But her being 13, and thinking it’s funny, continued until I snapped , with a “Jesus Christ, do you listen?? I said to knock it off, it’s not funny, and it’s not okay to make people feel bad”…. To which she replied “OKAAAYYYYUHHHH” (lol) And instead of dropping it at that point, I decided to just keep harping on it. Like she had dropped it, I should’ve too. But I kept going instead about it. It wasn’t bad, but there was no need to keep going. In retrospect I could have just…. I don’t know, shut the fuck up about it?

I know it sounds like nothing but given my history, it doesn’t feel that way to me. To anybody else, and in anybody else’s circumstances, that’s just a parent scolding her child but I just felt like crap about it.

I’ve now had three dreams where I was beating my daughter up and woke up wanting to cry and hug her. Lol- I even apologized to her a couple times about beating her up in my dreams. She looked at me like I was a crackhead haha

I feel like it’s a setback. Even though it wasn’t that bad.

The past few days I’ve been pretty depressed and anxious, the anxiety and the depression seem to take turns taking over. I woke up really depressed today, then got super anxious to the point where I felt like my hands were going numb, and kept getting this “something bad is going to happen” feeling. That’s mostly subsided, not entirely,  but now I’m back to feeling all depressy.

I had a pretty great morning yesterday… but by last night I was back to being uneasy and restless. Couldn’t sleep, was just feeling anxious about nothing. Finally slept and dreamed AGAIN that I was beating my daughter up.

my sister came over for a little and I felt a lot better while she was here, but it all came flooding back to me when she left.

I can’t wait for my therapy session tomorrow to be honest, I’m overdue.

As far as my small goals- today’s goal is meal prep, and my “positive” about me? …. Im not really sure. I’ll think harder on it and update when I have something.

EDIT: breaking out in hives from stress at this point which is funny to me when it happens lol

but I thought of a positive: That I’m actually pretty alright, given what I’ve come from. Like I could have ended up a stripper or a hooker or a crack addict and I did none of those things, so at least I’ve got that going for me. I’m always impressed by people who come from really shitty childhoods and end up doing okay in life, and I just realized I fall into that category and actually felt good about it.
so there’s my positive for today! 😃