14. More good stuff
yesterday I was missing my ex pretty hard…. I hate calling him an ex. I feel like it’s got such a negative connotation. Usually when someone’s talking about an ex it’s a bad thing. Maybe because most of my exes are fucktards and generally horrible people that I associate that with something so negative. I don’t want to group him in with them.
anyway, was missing him really bad. I mean I miss him all the time, I think about him constantly. But I was in work and thought about how I wanted to just text him something stupid… a stupid meme or something.,.. just out of habit. and then remembered that wasn’t our relationship anymore and I don’t know why it hit me like a ton of bricks and I wanted to cry and it hurt so bad. I broke down and texted him about it and he was so sweet to me, it turns me to a melty puddle of mush.
we talked on the phone and he told me some little things he liked about me (he was helping me with this “one thing a day to like about myself” thing that I’ve been doing and his thing that he said actually impacted me on a deeper level than I think he was intending. He told me that I come across as very outgoing and extroverted (okay- pause for laughter) and then that upon meeting his family and his friends they all liked me immediately, and that just made me feel great. I’ve been told by a LOT of people that know me that I take a while to get used to or to start to like, and I always felt that way anyway, so I believed it when they said it, so hearing that made me feel so good. Now I’ve also considered the fact that the people who said that, I met them along time ago and I was a much different person so maybe I was hard to warm up to at the time, But even in that scenario, I still feel good about it, because it’s indicative of how much I’ve changed (for the better) if it’s true.
Anyway, I texted him again last night because I was working in his area so he asked if I wanted to come by and hang out, so I did, and it was so great. It was so much fun, I didn’t want to leave, and I fell harder in love with him I think (don’t get me wrong- I know where we stand- I haven’t forgotten that we aren’t together) but I also felt like that further ignited my drive to get myself better and not-fucky. I wish I could tell the world just how wonderful this man is. I could tell you all but I feel like you have to experience it. Just trust me when I say, he’s a sweetheart. He’s so caring and thoughtful and insightful, he’s easy to talk to, he’s understanding and considerate, and so chill and laidback. It’s so easy to love him, because he’s a walking “safe space” lol (I hate people who use that term, so I’m partially joking by using it- but the message still stands)
I’m so grateful that he’s willing to give us a try again when I fix my shit despite how my outbursts and behavior has hurt him in the past.
as hard as that breakup has been, I’m thankful for it. I think if it hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t really be taking care of my mental health in the way I need to. I think I’d have kept coasting on happy moments like I normally do and letting the really bad shit that needed attention keep festering.
but anyway. Last night was so wonderful and then I fell asleep with ease- no sleep aides at all for the first time in months- and had the happiest dream I’ve probably ever had in my life. My stupid cats woke me up from it and I wanted so badly to go back to sleep and keep dreaming of him but had to get up and on with the day.
today, I’m feeling good all around. I’m feeling hopeful that I can fix myself, I’m feeling good about myself in general, I’m feeling happy as all fuck…..
so today’s goal- just to clean up around my apartment, and paint. My sister and my niece are coming over and I’m making them dinner and I’m excited for that!!
my “thing I like about me” has a short story. A while back I was told, also by this man that I am going on about, that I give a lot of compliments and he wasn’t sure if it was just towards him or everybody else. I’ve spent the last few months trying to figure that out and came to the realization that it is everybody, I do give compliments freely as I see fit. I never really thought about it before but I got a little bit self-conscious about it after that because I was wondering if it comes off as “too much”. He said men don’t get complimented that often, and I didn’t like that. I feel like everybody should! But I didn’t wanna make anybody feel weird, so I did start to dial it back a little bit. I also noticed that I don’t think it’s just men, I just don’t think people compliment each other very often, and that’s kinda sad. But then said fuck it. Compliments are nice and sometimes people need to hear it and don’t even realize it so I’m going to keep doing it. So my thing I like about myself today is that I do give compliments very gratuitously.