21. How it’s going

So I’m noticing something. In the beginning of all of this, I wanted to share every little step I was taking. Every little step felt huge to me, and I was proud of myself for it, even if I couldn’t outwardly admit that. These little positives and such- that was huge to me, but when I take a step back and look at it, it’s so small, so minuscule, that I feel ridiculous about it.

I’ve been making bigger leaps lately. And I clam up at the thought of talking about it or sharing it. I tried to figure out why that is, and one theory is that as big as these leaps and bounds feel to me, I’m afraid of being told- by others or by myself, that just like the smaller things, that they aren’t as big as I feel like they are. Another theory is a fear that voicing them out loud makes me look and feel like a bigger failure if I have a setback. ANOTHER theory is that I’ll be judged too harshly, like “why is this even a problem in the first place? You shouldn’t feel good about overcoming an issue you should have never had at all”- the best way of explaining that is if a would-be murderer said “I’m proud of myself because I fought the urge to murder some bitches today”- like, bitch you shouldn’t be wanting to murder bitches in the first place. (No I don’t want to murder bitches, even if bitches do be trying my patience lol)

Whatever it is, I’ve been doing some really heavy soul searching, a lot of introspecting, a lot of super heavy, intensive, and relentless learning about myself and one part of me feels good about the fact that I’m doing that, but there is another part of me feeling the weight of the shit that I’m kicking up in my brain. I’m coming to terms with some uncomfortable truths about myself, and this portion of my growth is just so much more INWARD and im so much of an unfinished project that I am super hesitant to bare it all on here.

that being said, I have been carrying my written journal with me because I’ve been doing so much thinking and shit and it happens at times where I’m so intensely focused on whatever is happening inside that I need to get it out right then and there. This has happened a lot at work at my new job. I will drop what I’m doing and get writing. It has been by far my most helpful tool to figuring a lot out.

the purpose of this online diary has been to keep somebody informed, And let him know that I am trying, all the time. 24/7. So he doesn’t have to wonder if I am, but I haven’t been updating it because I can’t bring myself to do it. While journaling before my therapy session today, I figured that My opposition to posting has mostly been because I don’t want to go into specifics like I regularly do, as I’ve been uncovering some bullshit with myself, but… I don’t exactly know why I didn’t think of this, but… I don’t have to go into specifics, to let him know I’m working hard. I can say shit like “I journaled a lot today, and thought about some things”

On that note, I had such a productive therapy session today. I wish everyone had a therapist this great. Today I mostly talked about an ex. It started with a dream I had that this guy I am working my ass off to try to get back to had died. I woke up sobbing. I had a crying headache most of the day after (you know how when you cry too much you get a stupid headache that doesn’t go away? Or is that just me? Lol) but anyway- I was crying a lot in my sleep bevayse of this dream, and woke up sobbing. I had planned to go hiking 3 states away (where I live, it would only take about 4 hours to get to lol) today and didn’t go because I was so depressed from this dream … which sounds ridiculous, but this dream felt so real and it was horrible. And I had this anxiety about being 4 hours away from home and finding out the bad news that this stupid dream was real, and then I’d be stuck driving 4 hours back home, by myself, carrying that grief, and not trusting myself not to do something horrifically destructive as a result. (Unrelated, I had a similarly haunting dream about my daughter a few years ago that still haunts me to this day. I know dreams are symbolic, and death in dreams is usually a change, or like a “rebirth” of sorts, but it he waking interpretation of death is not that at all.)

Anyway, telling my therapist about this dream prompted me to talk a lot about an ex of mine who passed away about a year and a half ago, and I told him about that whole relationship and he pointed some major things out, about myself. Sometimes hearing some things really sucks. But mannnnnnnn does it feel good to face it head on instead of having these things sneak up on me.

So I’m going to make it a point to post on here, even if it’s vague and seemingly pointless, just to let someone know I’m working tirelessly at making myself a better person- and a person that he actually deserves.

over and out