Tired

I’m so tired. I’m physically tired all the time and don’t know why. I’ve been sleeping okay-ish. My heart has been acting wonky as hell again lately, and that makes me tired. More than physical exhaustion, I’m mentally and emotionally DRAINED. I’m spent. Worn out, worn down. I don’t know why, either.

I’m just tired of things. Everything. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of being awake. I’m tired of stress, of socializing, talking, thinking. I’m tired of pressure. I’m tired of feelings. I’m tired of being forgotten, discarded, misunderstood…. I’m tired of having to fight so hard to be present, to find motivation. Im tired of trying, I’m tired of being unimportant, I’m tired of being important. Yes, I know that’s contradictory. I’m tired of having to do things, think things, know things… I’m so, so, SO tired. I just want to nap all day every day. I’m tired of napping too. I’m tired of feeling so ungrateful for everything I have. I’m tired of the way my brain thinks. I’m tired of not having an “off” switch.

I’m tired of having no time for ANYTHING I want to do. I’ve been practicing tattoos. I’m not good at it yet, but I feel like I never have time to practice. Every time I have a minute of free time, someone needs something. I haven’t done a practice tattoo in like 2 weeks. When I have time, I don’t have energy. Or if I have even a minute of free time- someone else needs that time from me.

This definitely sounds whiney.

I’ve been trying to read more. I’ve read 4 books this year, which I’m proud of, however even doing that, I’m reading on my lunch break at work, or when my kiddo is in her appointments, or wherever I can squeeze it in.

My partner has ADHD like I do. It’s good that he can relate to my stupid shit, but the down side is that I can’t do anything without him interupting me to tell me some funny thing, or to show me a video he saw online, or to ask a goofy ass question. I welcome it, for the most part. But it’s made me unable to relax because if I’m not sleeping, I know that at any given moment, he’s going to be asking for my attention. It’s weird because I love it. But it’s tiresome. If I ask him to give me a minute, he apologizes profusely and I don’t want him to feel bad so I suck it up.

My kiddo… shes going through something. I don’t know exactly what. Her boyfriend broke up with her so she’s been up in her feelings from that, but I feel like there’s something else going on that shes not willing to talk to me about, which is fine, but I wish she would talk to someone about it, or at least I wish I knew how to help. I’m letting her call her own shots. But that’s the other thing- she’s learning to drive, and who’s taking her to drive when there’s free time? Me!

I’m just TIRED, that’s all.