Heading towards the light.

So I was sitting on the train Thursday coming back from Ipswich after visiting Josh. He’s told his mum that he was gay in the worst way – during an argument. She didn’t take it too well and the word ‘freak’ was mentioned a few times. She’s calmed down a bit now but she says her dreams for him ‘have been shattered’ blah blah stupid woman. So, I travelled to Ipswich to spend the day with him – do a bit of shopping, have a bit of fun. And we di (do a bit of shopping and have a bit of fun). I bought some new jeans from warehouse, a bag for my mum that she and I have been looking for (I already have it but she wanted a matching one because she loves it and I’m taking it when I move away [the black one with the tassle]), some new underwear, earrings. I think that’s about it. We went and had a pub lunch. Then we went in the Cock and Pye pub. We had all these good intentions…the Cock and Pye is about 30 seconds walk from Cafe Nero. We were heading to go and have one of their fruit burst ice drinks and then maybe a coffee. But…the pub pulled us in. We filled ourselves with vodka (Josh) and Malibu (myself) then decided to get a bottle of wine. Got a tad drunk haha. We stumbed out at 4.30pm giggling. oops.

Anyway, so, as I began, I was sitting on the train coming home and things just seemed…beautiful. I don’t know, it was strange. I was in a really thoughtful mood and I could see the beauty and the symmetry and the contrasts in everything to do with nature. The norfolk countryside can be so beautiful. People discuss rolling hills and snow-topped mountains but have you ever travelled by train for 3 hours and struggle to find something you can call a hill? Everything is just flat. The only thing that changes is the colour of the field as they alternate between beige and green. At one point, there was about a mile of field that, on the other side, was sheltered by a line of trees along its edge. The trees were almost perfectly spaced the whole way along and looks so secure, so strong and yet so….perfectly feminine.

The whole way home there was a beautiful sunset. That’s the thing about Norfolk – there’s always a great horizon…nothing blocking your view, just the odd tree standing in the sunset. There was a mix of orange, blue, green and purple shining back at me and it was heaven. I only wished I had someone else with me to show…or that I had taken my camera (which I had thought about that morning and then dismissed as pointless). If I had, there would have been so many photos to accompany this entry.

I wasn’t only sitting there observing. I was really thinking. More then I ever do. I wont ramble but…things have changed. Things are going to be different with me now. I am me. And, I can be a beautiful person if that’s who I choose to be. I will do more to help people. I never do enough. I wont get hung up on things. I’m in control because I choose to be in control.

The one thing that made me smile towards the end of this journey was another sight out of the window. I was travelling backwards and saw that where I had come from was pitch black. I chose to turn my gaze so that I could see where I was heading…and there was the sunset, still bright, still showing off it’s colours. I’m heading towards beauty. And…it might take me a while, I might get stuck along the way (like my train was delayed and stuck in a field for half an hour) but I will get there. I have to.

Lauren x