Lately I haven’t thanked God enough for answering my prayers…and there have been many. Rarely do I beg God for anything but I begged him for strength, not only for myself but for Joe as well and we both were blessed with it. The journey has been long and at times the road has been very difficult to travel. It has taken everything in me and then some to try to keep my feet firmly grounded and not to run away and hide my heart. There is no way that I could have endured any of this without God’s help and I am deeply thankful for it.
The last few weeks have still been a roller-coaster filled with tons of chaos and drama provided by none other than Cruella. I do need to figure out another name to call her on here because, even though it describes her well, I am tired of holding on to the loathing that I feel for her. I am surprised the urge to let it go, especially after she tried using the fact that my son has Autism to deter Joe from me…perhaps it’s because the joke is on her since he knows all about my son and adores him. I will never understand how someone can use children(theirs and others) to try to manipulate someone to be with them or anything else. It takes a very mentally disturbed individual to do it, that I know. There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever that she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder…she cares only for herself and has blatantly proved that over and over. At this point I am starting to pity her.
So much has happened that I don’t even know where to begin. She hasn’t let up on trying to get him to take her back…so much manipulation that is very transparent at this point. She won’t stop bringing me up and seems convinced that I am the reason that he doesn’t want her anymore…she ignores the fact that she has been nothing but horrible and extremely abusive to him for *many* years now and the fact that it was HER that left him. He finally met with her to go over finalizing everything. We found out that she sneaked into his house, went through his stuff and found the gifts I sent him for Valentine’s Day along with several cards which she read and took pictures of. That explained why all of a sudden, after 6 months, she started telling him she loves him(she never said it before she found my stuff) and other things she has said to manipulate him that came from my words…she doesn’t love him so she is using *my* words as her script. I am still infuriated about it but mostly just frustrated. The fact that she no longer can control him is making her act crazy and desperate. She also stalked my FB page(which is how she found out about my son)…she told him that I am very pretty…ummm, thanks? How awkward is that?! When he met with her to try to finalize everything she was able to break through to him with her “script” and it turned him completely inside out and upside down making him doubt himself for a few hours. Of course he came to his senses and stuck to his decision but his momentary lapse broke my heart. I forgave him for it, because I understand why/how it happened, but I am still deeply hurt and it’s going to take awhile for me to be alright again. I told him it made me feel so unloved, unwanted and, once again, like I am just an option to him. I told him if he does love me and want to be with me then he is going to have to show me that because my heart is still broken. He was in tears the entire time I told him exactly how I was feeling and he kept apologizing over and over. I told him I forgave him but it will take awhile to mend the damage. He was definitely listening to me because he has been so much stronger, has started drawing boundaries with her(which she is finding every reason to ignore and making him even more upset with her) and he *finally* told his close friends about me! I cried when he told me. He also told me what each of them said and I cried even more because they all were so happy for him, especially though when one said “The look on your face when you talk about her, the way you smile the entire time and how extremely happy I can tell you are is completely different than you have ever looked talking about Cruella. There is no doubt at all where your heart is and who you should be with.” I thanked him and told him how very much that it all meant to me as well as how much it makes me feel loved and wanted.
There is so much more…so much…but I just don’t want to rehash it at the moment. I want to cherish this good moment and be thankful for it.