Needless to say, today has been mostly pure hell. Joe had a bad day at work which made him close up a bit in the morning which made me fall apart until he ended up calling me from work to tell me Happy Valentine’s Day and that he loves me. We survived our days and talked on the phone on our way home. I stopped to pick up dinner so that we could get on video Skype and eat dinner together…cheesy but it meant something to me…so I told him I would Skype him as soon as I got home. Well I did but didn’t get an answer. I texted a couple of times but still no answer. By the time he called me 45 minutes later I had lost it. In that time I went from hurt to angry to hurt, rinse and repeat. Of course it was Cruella making her obnoxious debut. She was waiting at his house for him to get home with a lame excuse why she was there and no forewarning. She brought me up yet again and things he told her years ago about he and I loving each other and she said she is sure I am waiting in the wings to swoop in. Hahahaha. And, of course, she tried, yet again, to get him to take her back. How fucking dumb can she be…seriously?!?! How many times does he have to tell her over and over again, NO! She is so much drama and it’s so incredibly exhausting. I am so sick and tired of this merry-go-round and I told him that it’s breaking my heart at this point and I can’t take much more of this stale mate crap that is making no progress. He kept saying that he is so sorry that it’s hurting me and he asked if I wanted to cool it until the divorce is final, that he wouldn’t hold it against me if I did. I asked if that is what he wants and said no, very much no. I said that I didn’t either and if I did that then it wouldn’t be just stepping back because I couldn’t do that, I would have to be completely done because it would completely shatter me. Me talking about walking away seemed to freak him out. I did *not* say it to freak him out, I said it because it is true and I can only take so much. I’ve been supportive, patient, loving, kind and given him my all and then some even though this has gone on way too long with him still(admittedly) holding back “even though he doesn’t want to”. I told him that it’s not fair and while their divorce *is* between them, I am also involved now and there is no reason it shouldn’t have been done with already. I wasn’t mean but I was very honest and blunt. The events of today have really lit a fire under his ass though because he’s so sick of her crap and now she is taking things to a new harassment level. All I know for sure is that something has to give and it *has* to be soon. He did tell me a few things that made me feel better about it all, like how even thinking about going back to her feels so extremely wrong even though it would have been the easy choice to make, etc.
We did manage to salvage the last few hours of the night at least, like we usually do…we always rally to each other and make *our* world alright again, it’s one of the many things that I love about him. He still said we need a “do over”…I started that with his birthday months ago when he had a horrible birthday and I made a ‘do over’ celebration for him…we will see. I loved the gifts he got for me and he loved the ones I got for him. Our cards to each other were really the best things of the night. His(which is pictured below) really meant everything to me and I finally understood why he was ‘forewarning’ me about it and why he was nervous…I have said those things but he has not flat out said them to me until tonight. I covered up the bottom due to his name and handwriting(just in case) but it says “Love you baby. “Joe”” Mine made him cry…in a good way. While he was crying he opened up and told me that it’s amazing how two cards that say close to the same thing can make you feel so differently…one card(yes, she gave him a card yesterday…she has been relentless) can make him cringe and feel irritated and how another card(mine, of course) makes him feel so warm, loved, at peace, how it feels so right, etc. He talked about his loyalty and how someone that is good to him, loves him and has his heart, he would never leave and abandon them, how he would go to the ends of the earth for them, etc. I softly asked if he feels that way about me yet and he said yes, he does, very much so. I cried, of course.
Today has been a roller-coaster from hell. I figured it was coming with all of her drama but I should have better prepared myself and him too. Oh well. At least we did salvage some of it. And most importantly, I finally have the words that I have really needed and wanted to hear…now I just need to focus on keeping my faith in them. I had planned on writing an entry to Joe tonight but it’s already 1am and I have no physical or mental energy left in me tonight so I will write it for him tomorrow.
Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone. I hope that you all had wonderful days whether you are a single warrior or with a significant other.