Needless to say, today was a really rough day. I got a text from Joe early this morning saying that he had to deal with Cruella this morning and that “it wasn’t pleasant”. He video Skype’d me as soon as he got home and we talked for 5 hours. He and I are fine, of course, but it was an extremely rough evening for us both. I was so upset and frustrated that I cried a lot which made him cry. It wasn’t *all* bad, we did talk about us and our future, among other good things. But it all was extremely exhausting and has left me completely drained. Just when I think she couldn’t be more horrific and manipulative, she takes it to an entirely new level. She is trying *every* *single* *thing* that she can. A smart person would have given up by now. As I said in the “letter to her”, if you read it, she did bring me up today…by name. It actually freaked me out(for various reasons) but I had wondered if she remembered it and I guess she has kept that close to her all of these years. Am I a horrible person because I’m glad that she is that threatened by me? I feel like a horrible person for feeling that way even though she has *never* deserved him, has treated him like crap for well over 10 years now and is playing all of these games. I also can’t wait until she knows…yet another thing that makes me feel petty and vindictive…but I want her to see him happy and loving life since she did so much to dampen his spirit and beat him down. And yes, I want her to see that she ‘just isn’t me’ and never will be…maybe then she will give up and go hunt for someone else to use…I just hope that someone sees through her games and runs the other direction. Yep, those things make me feel horrible to even think them but I am human and I never claimed to be perfect.
On a bit of a brighter note, my package of Valentine’s Day gifts from him come in tomorrow. He has had his package for about 2 weeks now. So, as much as I am not really looking forward to Valentine’s Day right now, hopefully it will be better on Wednesday. He kinda ‘forewarned me’ and made a big deal about the card he sent and what it says on it…yet he made it sound like it was good so it just made me feel confused. I guess today, of all days, was not the time to drop hints and warn me about something to leave hanging because as the photo above says, I am not in a pleasant frame of mind. Guess I just have to wait the 42hours(yes, it makes me so anxious that I did the math) to find out…it will drive me absolutely crazy until then. I think that was his intention but that he meant for it to be a *good* thing. I also have a feeling that he may say whatever he has wanted to, or maybe it’s on the card…that is what my spidey senses are saying anyway and they never seem to be wrong. That would be nice…I *hate* not knowing something if I know that ‘something’ exists, it throws my anxiety into overdrive and drives me nutso.
Well, it’s 1am and I really need my brain to shut off so I am going to head to bed and try desperately to sleep. Thankfully I have my usual session with Rachel tomorrow which I very much need after today!!