A Fresh Start?

I figured that maybe an online diary would be something good for my mental health. Something private, where no one knows it’s me…but also there for others to read and comment on, in case they might have an unsolicited opinion about my life.

Also, I’m finding that I have no other outlet at the moment. My friends list has dwindled significantly. I have no social life, my relationship is terrible, and my work life is far from stellar. I find myself going weeks at a time without a deep, meaningful, adult conversation. Yes, I talk to my child daily…but I’m talking a real adult conversation. And I’m in a relationship 🙄.

I’m typing this out at 6:06 am…I have a “thing” with getting up early. Like 3:30-4am early, in order to get some quiet time for myself. I feel as though my life and time is given away to everyone else. I work, and 8+ hours per day are given to my company. I’m a mother and hours per day are given to my child. I’m a spouse, and hours a day are given to my home life (ie, cooking, cleaning, etc.) – the only time I’m not being asked of myself, is the wee hours of the early morning. It’s blissful. But also, getting harder and harder to wake up as my depression kicks in.

I’m the type of person that when something goes wrong…it fully engulfs me. For example, I am MISERABLE at my current job. A job that I just started 2 months ago. I left a good/decent job where I knew what I was doing, flew through my daily work, and everyone left me alone…to come to a job where I feel inadequate, confused, flustered, and have a LOT more work. I took this job at the advice of a former boss, who is now my current boss. I was led to believe that this new job was amazing. Flexible, less anxiety, more calm, fulfilling work. Turns out, it IS flexible if you are actually able to complete you daily work load (currently I am DAYS behind due to not knowing what to do, how to do it, and having too much work), my anxiety is back due to not knowing what I am doing, and feeling like I am going to get disciplined at any moment because of this, and the work now is SO much more detailed, complex, and frustrating. Oh, and did I mention that we were told that 40 hours per week is our MINIMUM and that we are expected at least 5 UNPAID overtime hours per week until our work is caught up?

Yeah, I feel as though I was given a load of bulls*t to take this position, and I am regretting it every-single-day. Not to mention the fact that this feeling is spilling over into my personal life. I can’t just “clock out at 5:30” and shut my brain off from work. No, I dwell on it, think about it constantly and dread the thought of clocking back in the following day. It ruins my evenings, nights, and weekends. I’m to the point where I clock out at 5:30, eat a quick dinner, clean up, then go to bed. I don’t actually go to sleep, because I have a child…but I allow my child to play in his room until 7:30, then it’s bedtime (aka actual sleep) for the both of us.

Some life, huh?

I have SO SO much more to say.

About work, my relationship, my mental health, my life in general…but I feel that this is long enough for now.

Talk soon,

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