5 months post-breakup

It’s been 5 months since you broke up with me while I was pregnant with your baby. 10 days later you left not even a week after I lost them. Isn’t that terrible? Terrible that my life has changed so fast. Its hard to explain the pain you put me through. You were my best boyfriend compared to the last few, and yet you hurt me worse than all of them combined. The heartache was deafening.

But you know what? I can live without you. Without our baby. Our sweet baby. My angel baby. I like to think of you as just a sperm donor because I feel like if you cared for me and loved me like you said you did when leaving without even talking to me….you were a coward. I looked for someone with strong shoulders to help carry the weight of this burden. I looked for you and you weren’t there. And then you left exactly a week after the miscarriage while I was fatigued from blood loss and still bleeding, scared of having to go in alone to get a D & C.

I’m moving on though. I met so many wonderful people after the breakup and after being left. I lost some of the people I met because we grew apart but I will never forget the kindness and love given to me. Simple gestures such as being there for me. I will never forget that. I wouldn’t have been able to make it without many of these people. It hurts still. I cry when I think about the baby. My precious baby. Its unfair because I didn’t even get to carry them for long. I never got to hold them or kiss them. There was no funeral, body to bury and there was nothing but my broken heart. And it was lonely because it’s such an unknown pain to many that sometimes I feel alone with it.

I’m not afraid to admit that I hate you. I believe you are the most immature yet. Out of all the immature boys I have dated you were the worst.

I hate you. But I forgive you. And I’m trying to let go of the hate because I want to have a fulfilling relationship with someone else.

But it hurts.

I’m still grieving the baby. My baby. It’s not yours at all. You abandoned your family just like your father did to you. Thank you for abandoning me though because it taught me so much and brought me so many wonderful experiences. From pain comes growth. From growth can come hope.