I think my desire to have another, to try again was a focus until now.
Because it happened a second time. And this time it was worse. I already doubted I could carry and so this happened. I didn’t tell my family, I just turned 20. I’m going to University and maybe this played out for the better but trying not to blame myself is hard enough. I had a lot of judgment from friends.
Originally was going to go in for an abortion but obviously now I don’t need to. I felt pressured to get one and pressured not to. It was hard to tell what I WANTED.
The pain of losing a baby late is hard because it was painful physically and emotionally. Physically because I pushed them out fully formed. Very much what I can imagine to be labor. 12 hours, the pain so bad that I was sweating and couldn’t concentrate on anything and panic about what if I don’t do this right. What if I don’t get all of it out. Emotionally because I realized that if I ever have a baby I might struggle like this. I might suffer like this again. Fear of ever having kids.
Wondering if I’ll ever even be able to carry full term. And then there was this sick relief after things were finished. Relief that I don’t have to carry them but also relief that the pain was over 12 hours later.
Guilt for feeling relieved.
I didn’t get time to rest. They were brought into this world dead at 9pm. I was afraid to look but I glanced at their body which was tiny. The image will be stuck with me forever. They looked alien-like but formed. Beautiful and yet creepy.
I wrapped them in an unfinished crochet blouse and put them in a cardboard box. I went to sleep for three hours out of exhaustion and had my ex wake me up at 12am.
In which I sneaked past everyone and went outside with the box. Buried it in the yard like a murderer. I felt like a murderer though I know there was nothing I did wrong. And that there was absolutely nothing I could have done to prevent this. I dug and buried them as fast as I could before I went back to bed and now I have bought a flower bulb to place. Its a secret I can’t tell anyone.