I grew up in a christian household and till now (21 yrs) I still believe in Jesus although starting around late November I staring drifting away. At first due to a very difficult breakup I went very deep into my faith, I was doing bible study everyday, praying everyday throughout the day, listening to worship music, getting rid of all secular music and/or being very very careful of what secular music I listened to. This went on for months but then I starting having more anxiety attacks, ofc at first I told myself its just the devil and I’m having spiritual warfare and I started to look up scriptures to help and praying more but I still had anxiety attacks. To add on to the anxiety attacks, I started to get so sad and fearful and worried about a lot of things relating to the book of Revelations and other christian beliefs. I started praying more asking for answers to difficult questions and doing my own in depth research. The more I researched the more upset and confused? (not the exact word) I got. While I still believe in Jesus himself I don’t know if I agree with christianity as a religion. Many will say christianity is not a religion it is a personal relationship with Jesus, that is true, but what about myriad of christians that are far more religious than they are spiritual. There are many “why” questions that nobody has the answer to and there is so much facts out there that nothing neither proves nor disproves christianity or any religion for that matter. That’s why it takes a great deal of faith but humans aren’t all cut from the same cloth. There are still many many christian values I hold and without a doubt will never let go of but regarding the more “tough” questions in regards to Christianity, I simply cannot even tolerate certain beliefs/theories. I’d say I’m more spiritual and my main goal in life is to do good to others but also myself. I feel it is important that I am happy and whole with myself.

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May 18, 2021

You’re in good company. Not that popularity means anything really, but most people your age, worldwide, feel the way you do. They believe but they’re not part of an official organized religion. I, shameless plug, wrote a movie about a young woman in a crisis of faith called “Saved!” It’s old, it came out in 2004 but it may be of some comfort to you? It is weirdly about my own experience though I was never in the main character’s situation.

Also, Anxiety is the worst and I’ve tried just about everything to make my peace with it. It’s different from person to person. For me exercise and diet were key along with just talking it out with friends and family (and therapist). Medications are okay but shouldn’t be the first choice and won’t necessarily be a permanent fix. I hope you find some peace and comfort soon!