“I am handsome” I tell myself in the mirror. “I am beautiful” analyzing my god given features as I am rubbing my chest, stomach and grabbing ahold of the extra fat from my waist that people call “love handles”. I listen to personal development, and empowering audios as my daily routine flexing “You are the man”, and the occasional look from the back “that ass is phat” I spend about 10-20 minutes a day looking and trying to convince myself of the words that are leaving my mouth. They say that if you speak on something it can be brought to existence, and it will manifest. But how can that be if I don’t believe it? the meaning of the words that you and I see are completely different, and quite the opposite. “Ugly” comes to mind when I say “handsome”, “gruesome” when I say “beautiful”. “you are nothing” when I say “you are the man”. These words consume every fiber of what’s left of my self esteem. I can’t remember a time I felt safe and comfortable in my own skin. Yet here I am entertaining the thought and contradicting my confidence. As I stand facing my reflection seeing a carcass that resembles my flesh, but not of my heart, I say to myself “this is who you are don’t let anyone tell you differently”. And I go about my day with everyone’s favorite mask. When the sun begins to slumber And the sand in the hour glass is almost to the bottom. I retire the mask and In moments of silence, hours of darkness, & I am alone that’s when I’m the most vulnerable, and I feel the most confident. The light begins to dim & burn out like a candle and so does my insight and judgement. It’s demon time and they are out to prospect a body. I undress till I am wearing completely nothing and close my eyes. Quick bright flashes you can see from my outside window and the sound of snapshots from my iPhone within the four white walls. Sent. Sent. Sent. Notification. Notification. Notification. “Damn your thick as’f I want to breed you”, “beautiful, come sit right on it.”, “you are absolutely sexy, I just want to **** you so good”. I read these words and use them in attempt to fill in the holes of the voids temporarily. But of course it’s not enough… “you should come over” I’m watching my fingers typing, and I press send. “Send the Addy” in response. The feelings of nervousness and anxiousness stir up my stomach. But I ignore it just like how my family ignore’s my thoughts, and emotions. I prepare myself making sure my flesh clean, and a fresh aroma of doves detoxifying clay body wash, keeping my skin moisturized, and soft to the touch. “I am here” the dark angel walks into my sanctuary with full consent. I watch as he closes the door slowly and watch my dignity close too. I watch him as he locks the door and watch my freedom being locked too. As I am being cornered into a wall I close my eyes as I feel my body being violated, emasculated, stripped away. I assume the position in complete submission. My heart is beating fast, and I am contemplating on the path I have chosen. “Do you have rubber?” I ask in shaking voice, “nah & this is what you wanted now you got it.” As he forcibly penetrates me raw. Feeling the pain with every stroke. My body is frozen & My sight is hazy & Inside my head I’m repeating the words “I am handsome” while My face is pressed against my bed. “I am beautiful” as I am resisting the penetration. I am directly facing the window and see my reflection again. And all I can see is 4 year old me crying reaching his hands towards me while I attempt on extending mine back just to get it forced behind my back. Both of our mouths are covered. All I could do is watch the life leave his body and mine… shedding a tear while he sheds several. Both of us staring into each other’s eyes until I couldn’t see him no more. He plants his seed inside my thick warm body while he drains what’s left of my soul. And leaves. I had filled in the remaining gaps of the void. I go into the bathroom leaving the lights off. And deep cleansing my body again which reaks of sin, watching it in form of soapy foam going down the drain. I have so much regret, but ignore the feeling again. As I dry myself I turn on the light and I am looking into the mirror again…. “you are the man” I say to myself. And call it a night.