I’m so depressed lately and I don’t even know why.

I used to write on here, but I stopped when my husband found my account.

It’s been several years now & I…just need an outlet.

I can’t talk to anyone in my family. They just blow me off, make it seem like I’m seeking attention. It’s not attention I need. It’s a sense of purpose.

If I talk to my husband about the horrendous thoughts that don’t leave me alone, he will also think I’m seeking attention or he will have me admitted.

I need to see a counselor again. I think I need to just stop being so fucking stubborn and start taking meds.

I’ve gotten two big promotions at work since March, which is great, yes. However, the stress that comes with my new position is not something I was prepared for. The extra money is definitely a plus, and it’s nice to not have to that constant fight anymore. But it’s always something.

I hardly sleep anymore…or I sleep too much. I have no motivation to clean the house, go anywhere, hang out, do anything I enjoy. I don’t even want to go out and take nature pics, which is my favorite thing to do.

The hardest part is knowing I feel this way but not being able to pin point *why* I feel this way. Nothing happened to make me feel this way. It’s just here and I can’t shake it. And I fucking hate it.

I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to break things, I want to swerve off a cliff, I want to feel alive, I feel everything, I feel nothing.

I want to be unalive.

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November 3, 2021

this randomly popped up for me on the opening screen, and this is EXACTLY why I reactivated my account. I hate everything, I am tired, I am sad, I hate work, I feel like I don’t have “real problems” and its not fair that I feel this bad about my actually pretty good life.  so I came back here.  It got me through the post 9/11 crap I was dealing with ( I feel like we all had a little ptsd after that went down, even if we weren’t “directly effected”). And so here we are.  You aren’t alone. I hope it helps getting it out.


November 3, 2021

*Affected.   God. The grammar nerd in me wishes I could edit that reply. 🤣


November 3, 2021

I resorted to trying meds during the covid shutdown because I started having anxiety and panic attacks that I couldn’t control and couldn’t pinpoint (I’d go over every possibly “worry” I could possibly have and none of it seemed to be “it”, none of it felt overly worrisome, and I, like you, have a pretty okay life – so I didn’t understand how i could be panicking when there wasn’t anything wrong and I wasn’t worried about anything in particular)…long story short, meds made it 100x worse. Therapy has helped. But really just deciding to take control and prioritize my life…has really been what helps me avoid the feelings you’re describing. Easier said than done. And easier with the help/support of the RIGHT therapist for sure. It’s not a negative thing to need help…it takes so much courage to dig yourself out of these feelings. You can do it! (says a girl who still isn’t perfect, but those days of being suffocated by the feelings at least, feel so far away from where I am now, it’s just a long road of little steps)

November 3, 2021

I know what you mean about not being able to pin point what is wrong.  When I am feeling blue everyone keeps asking what is wrong.  I just say I can’t tell you I just don’t feel like ME.  I would at times if I remember who ME truly is anymore.  I have also gotten promotions at work with the stress that comes along.  I can dream at time at desk of my care free days when I just punched the clock, did my work, and went home.  I made due with the money I was making.  But here I sit with all this freaking responsibility. UGH – I have found doing things for myself “self love” have made me feel better.  I tell my spouse I am going to the grocery store( he never wanted to do that) I have an on line order and then I go to the movies or park and enjoy myself.  I get my nails done and spend 1/2 the morning there just visiting with the staff and customers.  I have a dog I can tell my secrets to and she doesn’t tell anyone.  I even go to the batting cages to swing a bat at a ball when I am anger.  You need to find something that can bring you joy.  But I would find a doctor they can help you get on the right track.

December 1, 2021

I feel this deep in my soul.  This is why I came to open diary. I needed a place to throw out well things in my head good bad or in different. Because I hate where I am today.  You aren’t alone!!