Same Old Tune

I keep telling myself that this is the place I dreamed about for years. This is the place in my life that I sat awake at night anticipating for years. To live in Seattle, to have a boy who really loves me (added bonus is that he even married me, wow), to have stability and a normalcy in my life that I was lacking for so long. But Seattle is hard without him here. Everywhere I go I’m haunted by our ghosts and it’s something that I need to suffer through alone.
And it’s not glamorous. It’s driving home at night through the rain soaked streets, listening to Radiohead and feeling like you want to curl up and die. That’s what it is. It’s reminding yourself over and over again that he really is yours, no foolies, no tricks. Yours and yours alone. It’s also forcing yourself at 11:30PM to go to the fucking gym and at 8:30AM to drag yourself out of bed to go to work.
I’m getting freakishly paranoid lately. I think it’s due to all the true crime books I’ve been reading. I should probably lay off of those.
How did this become my life? How did I dream about this? Sometimes, it’s almost not worth it. I feel this heavy dread in myself that wants to give up, but the strong prideful side in me won’t let that happen. I’ll carry on. Go to the gym tonight and tomorrow and the next day and so on. Work today and Wednesday and Thursday and so on. Just until I can be with him again, just until we can actually live together on a non-temporary basis. No airport greetings, no airport goodbyes for at least a few months.
Same old tune. Same old turn.
I struggle with the idea that he’s only mine. Yet, on days like these, it’s all I can turn to.