faith lost

for the first time in 22 years, i think i have lost confidence in myself.

for the majority of my life, i have always felt so sure of my choices, but after another failed endeavor, i’m starting to doubt myself.

there is nothing wrong in my life, everything seems to be going alright, but the weight of the world is finally crushing my shoulders. i live in a world where extrordinarily tragic things happen, and it seems like each time they are closer and closer to home. i’m just not satisfied with the mantra that good things come to those who wait, because i feel like i have been waiting for a century.

my sister is going to die of cancer. she’s starting yet another round of chemo therapy after her millionth surgery failed and she was dismissed from the transplant list.

my mother has some awful grudge against me, and no matter how many times i apologize or try to mend things she always makes me feel like scum. i know she says horrific and untrue things about me to my family. she’s just too much of a moron to realize that everyone turns around and repeats exactly what she says.

my best friend and i are slipping apart. i can’t tell if it is because i don’t care or because this is just the way things are meant to be. she no longer considers me as someone she can go to when she needs a friend to talk to.

my boyfriend hasn’t made me cum in about a week. and i know that it is all me and none of him. i just feel like shit and can’t seem to get out of the toilet. he excites me, and loves me, and gives me goosebumps everytime he touches me, yet i just cannot cum. i hate it.

i’m probably leaving GVSU. it was the worst choice i ever made.

my body is failing me.

i’m just not who i once was.

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May 14, 2009

im sorry about your sister. i hope things get better for you.

May 18, 2009

All this cancer in your family is horrid. The emotional stress could fuck anybody up. Cancer is so complicated, it seems to be many different disorders, many different causes, that all go by the same name. It’s a name that strikes fear in people, and not without reason. People used to literally fear the idea & shun people who had it. Now we’re less ignorant, but it has just as big an impact on us, the unknown aspects, the possibilities of remission, the hope & lack of it. It’s the devil, ma’am, the devil. But it’s not, it’s just some biochemical process. It looks like you yourself beat it, but not your sister. The emotions in play here permeate everything. I dunno, all you can do is try to love them all, & occasionally remember that things could be worse… things can always be worse… you could, in addition, be grossly obese, be being evicted from your apartment & have a toothache. I know it’s probably no more satisfactory to you right now in French, but I also believe it is absolutely true: Sur les ailes du temps, la tristesse s’envole. Hugs Davo ps I don’t know if this is comforting or insensitive. I mean it to be comforting.