Come away, little lamb, come away to the water…
I’ve been down again, in a deep depression, and I don’t know how to get out.
I tried to talk to Steve about it, and he blew up at me. I should have known, he has so much fire in his nature that it’s like talking to a tender box, just waiting for a spark.
Maybe I can write some out here, maybe I can get my words out before they eat a hole in my soul.
Not too long ago, two weeks or so ago, about the time that this depression really hit, a guy I knew from the casino, one of the dealers, committed suicide. He was driving his car at 120 miles per hour, and crashed into another car. He and the other driver were both killed, in his car was a note saying that he was going to crash his car into a tree in order to kill himself.
Even though I didn’t think about it consciously, it’s been preying on my mind, eating into my thoughts and infecting me with its ichor. I’ve been having nightmares again. Just like I did when the person threw themselves off of the casino’s parking garage. In them, it’s me who’s driving, who’s using a car as my own personal 1 ton death machine. These dreams aren’t just taking up time at night either, I find myself thinking about it in the light of day too. I wouldn’t want to trade places with him… if I go, I’m not going to take someone with me if there’s anyhting I can do to help it.. ::shakes her head:: t’s all nightmare talk, sleep talk without the dreams, and without the hold on reality that I’m trying to grip so hard.
I’m trying to find something to cling to, to hold onto and help me ground and center myeslf. Energy’s already spinning so quickly that I can’t seem to find a place to grip in the oncoming storm. My feet are firmly planted on the ground, but the rest of me is being battered by the winds of fate.
Steve wants me to cling to him, to use him as my focus and strength. He doesn’t seem to understand that his fire will burn me up, it’ll swallow me whole if I don’t bundle up and prepare myself for his onslaught. And when it comes, it’s magnificent, a blinding flash and tongues of flame.
He let loose his fury tonight when I tried to tell him about my thoughts and dreams. He opened his eyes and lips and let pure fury seep through, coloring his words a deep scarlet. Words of love and words of anger mingled in the blistering heat of his voice, stealing my words and gobbling them up. I stood there, hopeless, voiceless as I tried to scream within the whirlwind of his heartfelt anger. Nothing would quell his thirst until his words were finished, wiped away in the depths of his love and affection for me.